A little bit of everything.

Disclaimer: This post is very random and may not make sense.

I've reached a point where the Lord is asking me the question of whether or not I really trust Him. I have my life planned out in my head (or at least the next year). To me everything seems to fit perfectly. The puzzle pieces are all lined up. My plans for this year, my plans for next summer, college(sorta). I was thinking tonight what if the Lord shattered my plans. My mom always told me not to play what if, but the though really struck me. God knows what's going to happen in my life. His plan is perfect, but do I really believe that? Especially if His plans don't line up with mine. It always scares me to think that things won't work out the way I want them to, but when that happens I find myself in the shelter of the Most High which I've found is a pretty sweet place to be.

I read a really cool quote the other day about scripture that said "I picked up a Bible. I waited for that nice rush that comes from holding a worn, loved copy of the Scriptures. Bibles like that have their own heat. They've been prayed over, cried on, sung with, stroked and gripped and loved so hard they just emote-just by being touched-that human loam and steam and hope that faith gives off." Beth Moore wrote in response to this "Think how thankful you are that God wrote something you can hold to your chest, rock back and forth, when your heart is shattered and your sight too blurred to read." In this bible study I'm in we've been studying a book alongside the scripture. And today we were talking about the book Radical (which by the way is a fabulous book) and we were getting somewhere. But once we pulled out our bibles and started to pick apart this one passage the whole atmosphere changed. It really struck me in that moment how powerful God's word is. Our pastor once said "a person's Bible that is falling apart, life usually isn't".

The passage we looked at today was from John 13. It was when Jesus washed his disciples feet. My youth minister had us imagine that scene, the emotion, and the feelings of the disciples. I saw the love of Christ and how Christ was the ultimate picture of humility. He was willing to serve them, to sit and wash their feet. And then he said in verses 14-15 "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one an other's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done." Christ gives us a cool challenge here. I've been thinking lately about friendship and how it's not about what you get out of it but what you give. I want to follow Christ's example here and love others like He did. I want to serve my friends, my family, and other believers.

So I never know how to end these blog posts. I feel like I should wrap up everything into a nice neat little bow or do a curtsy. I feel the need to say something like "I'm struggling with this, but don't worry I've got it under control" even when I don't. I haven't got much figured out.

(Insert well-written ending here).

I have learned today...

that cookie dough really does make everything better.

to never ever let someone follow you home, even if they have a good reason to.

that you need an account at Blockbuster to rent a movie.

to look both ways before making a left turn.

that parking spots that look empty usually have a motorcycle in them.

that Hot Pockets really are hot, and usually the plate is too.

to always, always stop at a red light, or a yellow light that is about to turn red.

I feel today has been quite a success.

Where to start?

According to the clock on my computer it is 11:05. According to my body, it is 9:05. Now normally that fact would bring me to many other places, and most primarily my bed. But tonight it has brought me here. I should probably write about San Diego, right?

But where do I start? The plane ride? Our first concert? The first day of mission work? I've found lately that word's have not done this trip justice. That every time I try to compile my thoughts they somehow slip out of my head before I can get them down. I try to talk about it and everything becomes cheesy and cliché, but it was the farthest from that. On Sunday we sang at Lake Avenue Church. The pastor there made an interesting point in his sermon when he said that it has been determined that communication is 90% body language (or 80% or something like that, I paid attention I promise).

I've been thinking a lot about what a writer is, and what its role is in society (trying to figure out college and majors has done this to me). How does a writer paint a picture? How do they convey what they want to say? I think the best picture we can paint is our lives. Writing is great. But I can sit here and ramble on forever about The Lord and who He is in my life but until you see me live that out, everything I write is baseless. Words are nothing without action.

This is a huge challenge to me. I would like to say hold me to what I have just written, but I know I'm going to mess up. I so badly want the Lord to be everything to me all day, everyday, but He's not. There's days where I want to run far from The Lord. But I'm thankful at this moment that The Lord isn't finished with me yet.

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

San Diego.

I leave for San Diego tomorrow morning and I'm pumped to say the least.

I'm on a drama team at my church. And Monday night we gathered together for our last rehearsal before leaving for San Diego. We, as a team, were broken and divided. And here our team was, four days from our big mission trip, shattered and hanging on by a string. The reasons for this are unimportant, as we all contributed to the state we were in.

But I was glad our director made us sit down, and figure it all out. I'm glad we learned to forgive. And I'm glad we were able to let the Lord build us back up together, as a team.

These guys mean a lot to mean, and I wasn't ready for Satan to tear us down. We had worked too hard to fall apart now.

But what shocked me the most about those moments was not that the Lord pulled us back together but the realization of who Satan is. He wants to destroy us, bad. John 10:10 says that Satan wants to "steal, kill and destroy". There is a battle going on. And Satan is eventually going to lose. We all know that, even he knows that. And he wants as many people destroyed as possible.

Our director pointed out that he realized that the Lord must be planning some big things in San Diego if Satan is going to try to destroy us like this. And I'm excited.

We will be in San Diego for 11 days. I ask for prayer as we go out not only for Tallowood Players but also for our youth group as a whole. Pray that our hearts would be in the right place and that the Lord would use us.

If you want to see a little bit of what players is check this out. It's from one of our rehearsals so it's a little rough...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=435983206153&subj=706976986

Being content.

There are some days where I'm really frustrated with who I am. I'm frustrated that I'm where I am. I'm frustrated I'm still in high school. I'm frustrated that I'm only 18. I'm frustrated that I'm not where I want to be with the Lord. Frustrated that I have to wait for the Lord to reveal His plans to me. Frustrated that I mess up.

I feel so unworthy. I don't even know why I write this blog. I don't want it to be about me, but somehow I always make it that way. I want to impress people. I want people to think I'm wise, etc.

I care so much about other people's opinion. I struggle with this a whole whole lot.

The Lord has been teaching me the past couple days to be content with who I am and where I am. God's plain is perfect, and I shouldn't question it. I still have one more year of high school for a reason. I'm 18 for a reason. I'm who I am for a reason. I struggle for a reason.

I'm thrilled to be a senior, but I'm also scared. I'm excited to see where the Lord is going to lead me and what He is going to teach me, but I'm also afraid of losing Him along the way.

I can't wait to go back to my school. This is my last year there. That's crazy. I pray that the Lord would work in me this year.

So now you know a little bit more about who writes this blog. An insecure, messed up, struggling, high school senior. The Lord has a lot of work to do in me. And for once, I think I'm ok with that.

The Best Laid Plans.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

I only suited up for two varsity games. The final season game against Alief Taylor and the first round playoff game against Katy Taylor. We lost both. We weren't very good.

I was supposed to play on varsity.

I walked in freshman year full of myself, my abilities, and my dreams. Being put on JV as a freshman only furthered those notions.

I was supposed to have a letterman jacket.

It was a rough two years on JV. But I finally got the varsity uniform handed to me one tuesday afternoon.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

It was the end of the season so naturally they started to move people up. It was a good sign. Varsity would be mine the next year. Finally.

I was supposed to prove them wrong.

I never stepped foot on the court during those two varsity games. My name was never put on the roster. I never had my picture hanging in the gym.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

I loved basketball. It was what I knew. It was familiar. I was comfortable.

Run.

I'm supposed to be on varsity. I'm not going to give up. That's not for me. I don't give up.

Run.

This has been my one goal for high school. I set out to be on varsity. I'm not letting go.

My plan is perfect.

No. Just...no.

I'm here, and I'm waiting.

This is who I am. I'm not going to give it up.

Let me in.

Welcome home.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

This is where the healing begins.

How easily do I define myself through circumstances. How easily do I let insecurity creep back in. How easily do I become prideful. How easily do I let so many things fill me besides The Lord. How easily do I turn away.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.

Lists are amazing. But most of all, checking things off the list is a truly a glorious feeling. Lately, I've made myself a summer to do list from big things like college aps all the way down to writing my friends at camp a letter.

A friend and I are doing the Beth Moore bible study on Esther together this summer. And it's, to say the least, challenging. It's a slower walk through Esther's story than I would have originally liked. But, the more I study the scripture in small bites like this, the more I can savor everything.

Last night I jumped back into the bible study after two weeks at camp, and The Lord really taught me something. It was a lot to swallow. But it was good. And so I set aside time this morning before going to work to do today's bible study.

This morning I did it, but my heart was not in it. I knew life with Christ was going to be a daily battle. I knew there would be mornings coming where I wouldn't want the Lord. I've said that to myself over and over again. But we all know saying and doing are two different things.

I don't blog because I have it all together. I feel I need to get that out there. And I haven't figured much out. My youth minister once told us that she doesn't have all the answers but knows the One who does. And that's where I stand today.

So I ask for prayer. I'm at a place where I want to go farther with the Lord, but I'm having a hard time accomplishing that. I want to run. Run from the things the Lord is teaching me. Run away from train wreck that I am.

And thank you for reading my blog.