I don't think I can accurately describe what my heart went through this past week.

I don't think I can fully articulate to you what it is like to prayer walk through a mosque.

I don't think I can convey to you the grasp satan had over my soul.

I don't think I can show you how broken my heart is.

Paris is a dark city, and by dark I really mean full of life. And by full of life I mean the life that this world has to offer. I've never been in such a place of emptiness. After only 24 hours there, I was begging the Lord to take me back to America, back to MC, back to a place where I could feel the Lord again.

Because I couldn't feel the Lord in Paris, only Satan. I could only see Satan's work in Paris. After talking to a man on the street that told me there was no use for me being here and sharing about Christ everything spiritually for me shut down. Before I left and as I prayer walked I asked the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. He answered that prayer. I felt the Lord's heart in such a new way. I got just a glimpse of the hurt and compassion he has over the people in Paris. And that hurt pierced through my heart and left me breathless. I became so spiritually weak that I could barely walk. All I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to run around the city of Paris, shaking people and letting them know that there is someone above all this world and who is in control and who loves them unconditionally. I was angry and so very frustrated. I wanted more than anything to return to MC and be back in a place where Christianity is the norm, but I didn't want anyone to know how discouraged I was. I didn't want to come back with stories like this.

I felt so useless. What in the world could I do in just a mere seven days. As I had already been told, I was wasting my time. No one was ever going to listen to me. I was so wounded. Everywhere I would walk, I would see people everywhere. People that God loves with all His heart and people that He is pursuing. And they just walked past me and went about their life, seeking fulfillment in empty places. What in the world can I do?

Most nights now I just ask the Lord to hold me, to hold my heart. I beg for him to tell me again that his plan is perfect, that He is just. Mostly, He just sits there with me. We sit in silence because words are not necessary. So we just sit there through the night, His arms around me, and we cry together, our hearts aching for the lost.

So if you ask me about my trip to Paris I'm going to tell you that it was good, because it was. To understand Christ's heart more was the most good I've had in a while.

I woke up the other morning and one phrase kept repeating in my head "There is purpose in Paris." And as I kept going throughout my day, the phrase would not leave my head. It sounded cheesy and I didn't really get why I began to focus on it so much. Purpose is something I had prayed for. It was something I desired. But mostly I wanted a specific laid out purpose, not just some silly little rhyme.

The purpose of our lives is to glorify Christ. Simple as that. So as I began to pray over Paris and the way the Lord was moving in my life, I asked the Lord for purpose. I desired to know why. What was the big plan, Lord? I've been struggling for a while now with restlessness. I didn't understand why the Lord was stirring something in my heart and I had no idea what it was. It scared me and I wanted answers. My answer came from the Lord with two simple words.

Seek me.

Ok really God, that's your big answer. I'm confused and wanting to know why things are happening the way they are and what you want me to do with my life and you just tell me to seek You. But after I got over myself, I realized that's it. That's all we ever need to do. Hold on so tight to the Lord and follow hard after Him. That's all we can ever do. He will lead us. I truly believe that. I have no idea what the Lord plans to do with silly old Mary Helen, but I know He's going to do something. He knows what I'm going to do and where I'm going to be and I trust that He will reveal that in His timing. But I have to be ready to receive that. I have to draw near to Him. I have to rest in Him and park myself at the foot of the cross.

Sometimes the future scares me. I'm scared that I won't leave a legacy. I'm scared I'll miss what God wants me to do. I'm scared I won't ever get married. But then I think about the cross. I think about how Christ suffered hell for me and how He loves me unconditionally. I think about how my God is big and He has saved me. I think about how He has given me purpose. And I remember that He will guide my steps every day.

So as I head out this friday to Paris, the Lord is reminding me to seek Him. I don't know what the week will look like there but I do know that God is moving in that city, and I couldn't be more excited to be apart of it.

Unending joy.

Oh Jesus,

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Praise Your name. Let us shout it unto the heavens for what you have done.

You restore.

You heal.

You are faithful.

You renew us.

You protect us.

You are good.

Jesus,

Jesus,

Jesus.

Let me forever sit at your feet. Oh Lord, don't let me move from here.

Continue to heal me, to restore me. Continue making me whole in You.

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus. I need You. I always need You.

How sweet is Your presence, O Lord.

You turned my weeping into dancing, You set my feet on level ground.

I will praise You Lord. I want to glorify You with my life.

Take me Lord. Oh please use me.

But keep me here. Face down at your feet. Let me live my life in fear and reverence of You.

You are worthy, Lord.

Pause.

Until this past weekend, my life has been in super-sonic speed. It was absolutely crazy, but it was the good kind of crazy. The kind that makes you want to get up in the morning and go because you love what you do. It was good, but it was crazy.

I crashed thursday night. My body literally would not do anything but sleep. I had not gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a good two weeks. My own fault, but nonetheless it happened. So my body was revolting and rightfully so.

So I slept. And I slept.

And I slept.

You can talk to my roommate and she will gladly confirm the amount of hours I slept in these past few days. I have been happily averaging 11-12 hours a night and 3 of the past 4 days have included a minimum 4 hour nap. So I am recovering from my burn out and I am now resurfacing from under my rock.

But all that to say, the Lord had been whispering in my ear to stop and be still for a while now. But I didn't. I was stubborn and I said I would do it later. So finally the Lord forced me, and it was so good. Sleeping is a beautiful thing. And I think being in college we often forget the power of a good nights sleep. But seriously, to be still and to be rested has been such a blessing lately. To sit in the Lord's presence and be completely there is compelling.

Almost two weeks ago now, I went to lead a Dnow in Tylertown and the theme of the weekend was Pause. Funny, God. Really funny. The one thing I talked about the most and hoped and prayed my girls would get that weekend was really what I need to get into my head. I needed to pause. I needed to stop, but I wouldn't. But man, when I did, I understood why God says be still and know that I am God.

Because He is, and that's all we need to know.

I like the dorms like this. I like to sit on my bed and think about life. I picture myself in the arms of Jesus these nights. Just me and him in the quietness of the moments.

I love being in the dorm on Wednesday nights. Wednesday night, as we all know, is church night. At MC that is the time when most students during the week are, for the majority, all off campus at one time. And I know that sounds a little sacrilegious, but I feel like everything is at peace on wednesday night. MC slows down for that little period of time. I feel like I can actually think and get real with the Lord.

Lately I've been faced with a lot of hurt. And by a lot I mean very minuscule, practically nothing compared to the hurt that I continually cause God everyday. I've been thinking a lot about brokenness, mostly in my life but also in the lives of those who I am around. I wonder how in the world are we as Christians to deal with so much brokenness?

The more and more I look at my life, I realize that I can't fix it. I am way more human than I would like to be. I have this high-low roller coaster relationship with God that I continually promise Him I'm going to get better at but I never do. I run away from Him and then come back begging for mercy. I try resolution after resolution. But at the end of the day I'm just broken.

I know the good news. I am saved. I am redeemed. I am made whole again. But then I mess up. And Satan starts to attack me and make me believe that I will never be made whole.

I then look at others. I see people I know know the Lord hurt other people, hurt me, or mess up badly.

I guess I'm just looking and I don't get it. God is here but there is still so much brokenness. There's still slavery. There is still murder. There is still so much hurt. God, where are you?

But as I sit in these moments, letting the presence of Jesus envelop me, I am reminded that He is here in the midst of brokenness, that He comes in spite of our brokenness, and I am slowly being made whole in Him.

Most nights I just ask Jesus to tell me who I am. I lay there and simply listen as he whispers in my ear over and over again "You are fearless." I like the dorms like this, they feel truly safe. I think me and Jesus should meet like this every wednesday night. Just me and Him. I'll sit in His arms and He can remind me who I am.

Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good wednesday night to me.

Tonight, I think I really grasped over a bowl full of fettacini alfredo and a plate of nachos that God works in unexpected ways. I knew this. I've heard this a thousand times. And I'm still not sure how I feel about it. All I know is that God usually does His best work while we're planning something else.

In high school, I walked in wanting to be a super star athlete. I planned to play volleyball and basketball for my first two years, see how they went, then pick one and devote all my time to it. I was going to be a starter on varsity. I was going to get the letterman jacket. I was going to help out with the freshman teams. I was going to be it all.

The Lord absolutely wrecked that plan and it completely shattered who I was. I really wish I could describe how much I found myself in basketball. I ended up devoting my time my last two years of high school to various things: work, school, church, and my high school newspaper.

I really wanted in high school to leave a legacy. I wanted to make an impression on those younger than me and really care for them. I wanted to be a strong leader and someone those younger than me could look up to. I was so angry when the Lord took sports out of my life. How in the world was I supposed to do something worthwhile at my high school anymore? And yes, I was on newspaper staff but we all know that's nothing really of that much importance. Not that many people read it anyway.

But as I sat down to dinner to catch up with one of my old reporters from the paper, I got to see just how much of a legacy I left with the good old Anvil Newspaper. She began to tell me of everything that has happened with the paper this year. She told me of how she was doing things and the lessons she was learning through it all. I felt like It was like talking to my senior self. But I got to show her the other perspective. I told her about what I did wrong when I was editor, what I wish I could have done, and things that I found worked really well. And she listened. She really thought about what I had to say and told me her fears about certain situations. We chatted about almost everything and it was good. We fell back into the old rhythm like when I was back in high school but we had both changed so much since then that there was a newness to our relationship. I felt like we were getting somewhere. I felt useful. And I really needed that.

So as I look out at now the next 3 and a half years of my college life, I'm asking the question: what am I really doing? It's really scaring me because I feel like I've almost repeated my story. I walked into college thinking the Lord was going to use me in one situation, but I'm not totally sure that's where the Lord wants me to focus my time. I realize that I need to be open to the Lord. It's not about me. I need to find myself completely in Him and not what I am involved in. I feel like college is the time where you find yourself and that's what I've spent a lot of this semester trying to do: figure out who I am and what in the world I'm doing with my life. But I want to find myself in the Lord. I don't want to just throw that out there. I want to peruse it.

I'm learning how to expect nothing but Jesus. I'm begging the Lord to give me the strength and endurance to throw all my plans away because I have a good hunch that I'm going to find myself in four years saying the same thing I did tonight about basketball and newspaper just with different circumstances.

Trust

I think that's a big thing I missed this semester. The belief that God is doing all that He promised to do. I so often forget how skewed my point of view is and that I only see part of the picture. I've been so numb lately to those around me. I've been frustrated that the Lord isn't doing things my way. I'm having to get over the fact that my way isn't best.

But I can hear the Lord calling me softly to Himself. He is asking for me to trust Him, to find myself in Him, to revel in Him, and to be wholly His.

I so badly want these things. I want to rest completely in the Lord's presence. I want to trust Him. I want to find all of me in Him. But I also want my way. I want happy endings and earthly victories. I know that I don't get what I want, I get what I need.

I want everything I know about the Lord to transfer to my heart. I've spent so much time in sunday school and countless bible studies that I finally want all that to click again in my heart. I want to feel the Lord again. I want to genuinely desire His presence, not doing it for the approval of others. I want to have a real conversation and get to the bottom of things. I want to be me, and not fear what others think. I so badly want to be me.

Trust. I don't want to trust the Lord when I don't understand, when I have nothing to base my trust on. The only thing I have is the Lord. I hate that kind of trust mostly because I stink at it. I let Satan trick me into believing all sorts of lies about why I shouldn't trust the Lord. They seem so logical. Mary Helen, do you have any evidence that you're doing any good there? Do you really think the Lord is using you? You're not good enough for them. You're always too scared, you'll never get over that. The Lord has better people to use. You've just messed things up even more.

Over and over again they repeat in my head. I sit there and think about these statements. And slowly I take them as truth. I believe that I'm not good enough, that I just keep making more messes that the Lord has to clean up, and that I am a failure.

I want to believe. I desire to trust You. To be free from these lies. Help me listen to You. Quiet my soul and tune my ears to hear Your voice. But most of all Lord, help me in my unbelief.