Divide and Multiply.

This is a dream, a dream for the world to see You

a dream for the world to know You, to love Your name

Lift up a shout, lift up a cry to shake the ground

Shout and the walls are coming down
Yeah, we're running after You.

Like meiosis and mitosis. Multiply. Magnify. Amplify. Let's do it. It's go time.

Clean House.

If you look hard you might find it. Just walk through the junk, take a look behind the clutter, it's there I promise. It just got lost a few times. Its purpose paled in comparison to others. But the others all failed. All it needs is a chance, for someone to look at it differently than before, for someone to see it for what it could be, not as what it is.

Find within this mess a heart that's still beating. Take it and use it. Renew it. Shape it. Shine Your light upon this restless heart.

This past week I volunteered at Camp Blessing, a camp for kids with special needs. I had become a little prideful in the days preceding camp. I kept thinking to myself how Godly I was for giving up my time to serve the Lord. So I puffed out my chest, jumped on my high horse, and headed to camp.

The Lord always says he will exalt those who humble themselves and humble those who exalt themselves. That is just what happened to me. Right before the campers arrived, our cabin leader sat us all down and read Luke 17:10 "So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty."

Hello. I am unworthy. I could feed every orphan in Africa, cure cancer, and adopt 15 kids and I would still be an unworthy servant. Who am I to think that I am doing something above and beyond? This is what Jesus called me to do as a believer: to serve. And I think that I am better? That I am worthy? Everything good deed that I did this week at camp: every time I held a camper's hand, every time I served my camper food before myself, every time I held my camper and let her lay in my lap during worship because she was feeling homesick is like dirty rags compared to the Lord. At the end of every day, I am unworthy.

Who am I? I am a messed up girl with a wayward heart but thankfully by the grace of God through faith, I am a servant of Christ Jesus, and a pretty unworthy servant at best.

Treasures.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

-Psalm 139:13-14.

Camp Tallowood.

Let's start with sixth grade. Here is the only picture of me at camp in sixth grade to my knowledge. I'm wearing an aqua color shirt, but don't try to find me. I'm about the size of a neutron. Or try to find me. It's your call really. Most of camp that year was a blur. I don't really remember much, but I do remember somethings.

1. A guy with red hair (possibly one of the Heflin brothers) took me and some other girls in my cabin to the senior-sixth grade breakfast. I straitened my hair that morning.

2. Kathryn and I convinced our leader(whoever that was) that we were triplets and that Elise was the third. (We explained her red hair by saying it was from our mothers side).

3. The girl on the top bunk in our cabin above Emily threw up(from the top bunk) while we were in mid-prayer one night. Our cabin smelled for the rest of the week.

4. The Players did an interp to Here is Our King and I knew from that moment on that I wanted to be a Player one day.

5. I saw who Jesus really was for the first time that week and my life has never been the same. I came home wanting to do nothing but read my Bible, because finally everything in it made sense.

7th grade. So that year, I apparently didn't know what sunscreen was and thought sunglasses made me look like a cool high schooler. My favorite camp t-shirt was also from this year (it was ligh blue, my favorite color). We studied Genesis that year and I don't remember exactly what the Lord taught me, but I remember sitting in worship every night blown away at how big of a God I served.

8th grade. That year at camp was especially fun for me. I had befriended a senior in our youth group named Mallory the past spring and getting to say hi to her at camp was the most exciting thing in the world. It was the first year my birthday fell on the week of camp and Mallory gave me a small travel sized bible for my birthday since I had been complaining about carrying my huge one around for weeks. My parents even came to camp that year as sponsors. And my father, bless his heart, managed to break his knee and cut his head open in less than three days. It's ok though, he made new friends at the hospital. People at camp kept telling us we should wrap him in bubble wrap. We probably should have.

In our tribal shout, I had to play some sort of egyptian princess and Ryan was Pharaoh, which explains the funny makeup in the above picture. We took a hike as a whole camp that year to a place where they had built a mock temple. We saw our pastor who acted as the high priest sit down to symbolize how his job was finished because Jesus died on the cross. Now, all could come into the presence of God.

Freshman year. That was a big one. I remember being ready for the Lord that year at camp. I was thirsty for Him. The man who was supposed to come and be our camp pastor had broke his back the week before camp and was unable to come. So some leaders in our church and youth group preached in place of him that week. On tuesday night, our youth secretary Rebecca spoke. The Lord spoke in powerful ways through her and by the end of the night I found myself up at the front just saying "Yes, Lord" in response over and over again. I got baptized that year. I remember coming up out of the water thinking about the last line of a Chris Tomlin song that said "But God who called me here below will be forever mine." God was forever mine and He always will be.

Sophomore year. Well, Margaret finally decided to come to camp. My sunday school teacher and I schemed all year long to get Sarge to camp and came out victorious. Also, a few of my friends and I made a camp promo video called Camp Tallowood throwdown. It was a take off of the hoedown throw-down from Hannah Montana. We now have 603 views on youtube. Yup, we're cool. My camp book that year is stuffed with notes from the service each night. I remember running out of room while my hand cramped as I tried to catch everything the pastor was saying.

Junior year. That year was special in a bunch of ways. I got to perform with players for the first time at camp. And Kelly was a sixth grader at camp, which made me nostalgic. I was blessed to have Carolyn as my leader again that year. One of my friends and I prayed for brokenness in the weeks prior to camp. We prayed that the Lord would rebuild our hearts again, and that the Lord would make us whole in Him. That week at camp was the beginning of an almost year long process of healing.

So I get the privilege of leaving in a mere six days for my senior year at Camp Tallowood. At camp over the years, I have been exiled, I have wandered like the Israelites, I have seen Jesus crucified, Isaac almost sacrificed, and the temple destroyed. Lord only knows what's in store this year. But I'm going to sing, and dance, and listen, and break, and be renewed one last time. Camp Tallowood, it's go time.

Focus.

Let's just be honest here, I don't deal with rejection well. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself lately, and one thing in particular is that I become bitter when people reject me. My first name is Mary, which apparently means bitter. Sometimes I'm a little bit discouraged by this. I feel that I am doomed to be bitter in life because it is my name. But I'm beginning to understand that the meaning of my name is more like a warning label than a defining characteristic. I am going to have to work hard to get over my grudges and forgive. It's a challenge really. And if I've learned anything from my friend Margaret, it is that you can do anything that you set your mind to and that challenges can be really exciting because when you overcome them, well that's an accomplishment.

This past year I applied for a discipleship program for the summer at a camp I had gone to for the last three summers. My brother had done the same program when he was a senior and was now a counselor at camp. I remember seeing him change so much that first summer he spent at camp in the discipleship program. I saw him grow exponentially in his relationship with the Lord. He became so wise, and such an amazing man of God. He had such a Godly confidence that just radiated from him. I desired to experience the same thing myself when I was his age.

So I applied to this program saying I was just going to trust the Lord with it. I put on fake smiles and when talking about the program I would lie to people saying I would trust the Lord's plan whatever the outcome. Inside I knew I would be devastated if I didn't get in, mostly because I was afraid I would never get to experience the change that I had seen my brother go through while there. I was worried I would never become this confident woman of the Lord. I wanted this program to fix me. I wanted it to erase my hurt, my insecurity, and mend my relationship with the Lord. I was counting on this program.

Then I got a text from a friend who had also applied asking if I had gotten a call from camp. Some other people she knew had gotten a call from camp saying they were in. So I waited for the next week hoping that every unknown caller would be someone from camp telling me that they had chosen me to be in their program. My rejection email slipped itself into my inbox only a week later. But by that time, I had lost hope and had seen it coming.

The worst part of it all, was that this camp had a heart beat for Jesus. It was a camp that I knew was no wishy washy Christian camp. It was the real thing. They followed Christ. So what was wrong with me? Was I not Godly enough?

Getting rejected from a Christian organization was rough. The insecurity that sprung from it was unlike any I had dealt with before and it was destructive. Telling people that I knew the Lord had a plan was a lie to hide behind. I was mortified, angry, confused, and bitter.

I'm still struggling with trusting the Lord. Some days I'm so angry that the Lord chose not to put me there. Didn't He know how closer I would be to Him if I was there? But the Lord has reminded me the past few days that I don't see it all. My view is out of focus. Like the picture above, I am only able to clearly see part of the picture, but God sees everything that is going on. I could sit here and try to figure out why the Lord wanted me here this summer. But my hope doesn't lie in figuring the Lord's plan out. My hope lies in loving and trusting Him.

So I'm going to focus on the things in front of me, and I'm going to pray that the Lord gives me the strength to forgive and to trust. With the Lord's strength, I'm going to fight every instinct in me to be bitter about not getting into the program. And the funny thing is, I'm slowly starting to experience that confidence I saw my brother gain. Who knows? Maybe the Lord's in charge of my path for a reason.

You're ok. I'm ok. We're ok.

Dear Kelly,

My time at 935 Echo Lane has officially ended; yours, on the other hand, has just barely begun. I'm not great at giving advice, but there are some things you should know about good old MHS before you ever step foot in those color coded hallways.

It's a unique school, not like any other. To get the most out of it, you must first understand those who makes up the school. We are often stereotyped or people come in thinking they know what we're all like. And yes, some people do fit the stereotype, but they're a very small minority. And then there are many who seem like they are the stereotypical "Memorial girl" on the outside. They might have the big house, a lot of friends, or a nice car, but do not be fooled by appearances. Don't take them for what's on the outside. Give them the benefit of the doubt. I judged a lot of people in my grade throughout high school only to find out that one girl struggled from the most vicious insecurity that lead to an eating disorder, one girl lost her aunt a week before graduation and was torn up over it, or that the talkative girl in the front of my english class tried to kill herself, twice.

So don't you ever judge them. For if you do, you will find yourself sitting in your english class on the last week of your senior year broken over those who struggled with abusive parents or parents who passed away, because you never got over your pride and gave any of them a chance.

Never tell yourself that you can't do anything. Once you say it, it's true, and only because you told yourself you couldn't. Learn to discern between the voice of the Lord and that of Satan's. Satan wants to destroy those who can do the most for the Lord, and those who are threat to him. So he'll probably try to mess with your head. He'll probably say you're not good enough to be friends with so and so. He'll put a mean thought in your head about the girl next to you. He'll tell you that you can't do something, and that you will never feel apart of something. Don't believe him. I did, and it destroyed my relationship with God. Captivate your thoughts, stay in close contact with the Lord and you'll be fine.

Don't forget to just enjoy yourself. For when you have two lab reports to write up, a vocab test the next day, a map due for world geography, and a pile of laundry waiting to be done, remember that in the end, nothing matters but the Lord. So every once in a while, let the homework sit for just a few more minutes, tell yourself that wearing those jeans again without washing them isn't so bad, and grab a good book, finish that movie you've been meaning to, or call up that friend you've been saying you'll have coffee with them for forever now, because once the hats go up in the air at graduation you might look back and wish that you had enjoyed life a little bit more.

Don't worry about college. Don't do things just to put on your resume, do the things that you love. Dont' get discouraged when you fail or when things don't go your way, we all have been there.

But above all, love the Lord and pursue Him constantly. Don't ever be ashamed of yourself or try to be someone your not. If you be yourself, you just might be surprised at the responses you get. Let the Lord shine through you. Smile and laugh alot, it's good for you.

And yes, the great state of Louisiana might separate us, but I'll always be one phone call away.

your sister,

MH