I hate reminders of how broken I am. I hate that I'm so sinful. I hate that I have reasons for my shame. I desire so much to be whole.

I am claimed. The Lord has looked down on this broken child of His and said "you are mine". But I'm not home yet. My body is still in this flesh. I have to momently fight my selfish desires. Oh how much I want to give up. How frustrated I am with myself. But yet in my moments of missing the mark, His love never fails. At the end of the day, He still sings songs over me. He quiets me with His voice. He still holds me. He still holds His dirty, unclean, unholy daughter. He reassures me that I am His. He promises that I won't have to live in my flesh forever.

How magnificent that our Father still loves His children that continually go against Him. That run away again and again, and He just patiently pursues us. In our moments of disobedient He looks at us and says, "that is my child whom I love." I deserve eternal death for what I've done. I am so unholy. I am reminded of just how much I need my Savior, my precious precious Savior. My Father, my Healer, who speaks for sinful Mary Helen on my behalf. Who took my shame and my sin, and put it on the cross and said "It is finished". Who fought the battle for me before I even existed.

It amazes me how this terribly unclean, nasty heart can be wiped clean and made anew. How daily His mercies are new for me. How in this flesh, I can say with confidence "I am redeemed".

Camp Journals

Well another week almost done. I say that like I've done so many. Having 6 girls under my constant watch and care for five days is exhausting yet so refreshing. It is really hard at times, but also so full of joy. To look into their eyes and see so much of our great God is refining.

So much war goes on in my soul. it's really scary to think about. Because normally, I don't feel it that much. And there is hundreds of thousands of times more warfare than I actually see. So much in my life that Satan wants to destroy. Which when I first think about it, I am so discouraged. Why am I struggling so much for my worship to be pure? Why isn't this easier? I desire pure worship so bad, but so much of me gets in the way. I'm sure Satan likes it this way, seeing me struggle in my shame and sin while being in the middle of such a ministry as this.

This is how I am encourage though. There must be something so big and powerful that the Lord is doing, that Satan is trying to thwart it in anyway He can, using areas of my life of which I am so ashamed and insecure. So I take this reminder of my shame and insecurity and remember that God is working in magnificent ways that I can not even fathom. Just as Moses' staff was his reminder of his sin, so I use my staff to lead those around me and to lead my campers. No longer do I continue to walk in what Christ has set me free from. How rude is that? To refuse the Lord's grace? For his grace is fully sufficient in my terrible weakness.

Turns out we're all so weak and insecure. Sometimes I wonder what people would think of me if they truly knew just how insecure and weak I am. I feel like they already know that, and that I need to prove it to them that I am not who they think I am. You see, the truth is, I am so humanly sinful, so full of flesh and sin that somedays I can barely function. Many days this week were so hard. I would wake up in the morning and feel like just laying there so I didn't have to face who I was. Even though I knew the sun was about to rise and it was time to sing the Lord's song, I really just wanted to sit in my bed and sing it from there. But the thing is, you've got to get out of bed. No one is any good singing the Lord's song in bed, when He has called you to this day. It doesn't' matter where your bed is, just as long as you rise from it singing His song all the way until you put your head back down at night. I feel like that is what it truly means to follow Christ, to wake up each morning glorifying the Lord and to walk in that all day long until you put your head on your pillow and the day is done. The Lord gives us just enough strength to live through each day.

I always get a good laugh around 6:25 in the morning as our four fifteen passenger vans truck out of the forge apartment and set out towards north Tyler. It's a sight to see really, packing us all in there like sardines. But then again, there is this serious tug on my heart that finds such beauty in those moments.

I wake up, and it's a new day dawning. I lift my head out of the pillow and I know it's time. One song comes to mind, bless the Lord O my soul. It's time to sing His song again. I fumble down from my top bunk bed as gracefully as possible, and sleepily walk over to my suitcase. I grab some clothes in the darkness of my room and hope that they match to some extent. I look outside and the darkness encompasses our apartment. I know the sun is on it's way up. I grab a granola bar off the top of my drawer and head to the kitchen to fill up my water bottle. I look around our living room as I turn on the faucet and see some of my coworkers already talking to the Lord about today. Excitement fills my heart as I am encouraged by the example set before me. I grab my backpack and head out the door.

We all stand out there together in front of our vans, still a little groggy from our early morning rise. At 6:15 sharp we all physically put our hand on a van. This is it, it's all starting. My heart continues to sing, Bless the Lord O my soul. We begin to load up as the usual apple cinnamon granola bars and breakfast burritos are making their way around the vans. As the vans begin to pull out, I feel this sense of community. I feel apart of something vast. I feel like we are an army heading out to conquer the great enemy. I glimpse back as we head down the hill and I see the other three vans behind us, full of my brothers and sisters, all heading towards the same goal. It's a moment of appreciation really, of something that I probably wouldn't see if I didn't stop and look around me. It's something I would miss if I wasn't careful.

I being to think about the day ahead of me, of the battle I'm going to have to fight against my flesh. I feel discouraged because of my sin and my struggle towards holiness. I begin to form a goal in my mind for the day. Let me be singing when the evening comes, Bless the Lord O my soul. As I watch the sun rise over the city, I begin to hope that as I watch the sun set that evening, the song on my lips will still be Bless the Lord O my soul. I am becoming more aware of my brokenness, and my challenge for the day seems to be less attainable on my own strength. But I hear a whisper in my ear. I ignore it at first, not really believing it's there. But softly the voice speaks again, do not be afraid. I am reminded of the Lord's faithfulness as we approach our destination. The vans pull to a stop and I take a deep breath in. I say it one more time in my head for reminder, Bless the Lord O my soul. I step out of the van onto the concrete and I'm finally there. It's go time. Let the battle begin.

I think one of the greatest lessons in life one can learn is selflessness.

I don't say this because I've learned it yet. But the idea that my life is in no way about me has come to the forefront of my thoughts.

It all started with the pursuit of excellence and a thousand tiny baby dragonflies.

Realizing that you can work harder in your life than you ever have and never get the thanks you deserve for it can discourage you.

For me, it was to the point that I wanted to take my eyes off what I was doing. I wanted to fix my gaze on something else.

But then you have to know you're actions are held to a high standard. It's the pursuit of excellence.

It doesn't matter if no one notices it, your actions must strive towards excellence.

We serve a God who deserves everything we have. He doesn't deserve our half efforts or human way of thinking. He doesn't want our logic or high thoughts. He just wants our lives. He wants our heart.

That's it.

It is not about me.

So no matter how uncomfortable I am, how tired I am, how annoyed I am, it doesn't matter.

Because it's not about me.

It's Jesus. It's about Jesus. It's for Jesus. It's in Jesus. It's through Jesus.

I am just the clay. I am solely a mouthpiece.

So help me in my selfishness. Keep me accountable in learning this lesson. Bring me back when I go astray for I am so human and I am merely flesh.

What if I told you that there was just life, and there was just Jesus.

What if I told you there weren't any answers, there was just Jesus.

What if I told you I tried to figure out life, but there was just Jesus.

Because you see, I've thought a lot about this, and I've tried to put it into words.

But you see that's just it.

The more you think about it, the more your head spins

and the more your head spins, the farther you get away from definite answers,

and the farther you get away from definite answers, you begin to lose hope,

and when you begin to lose hope, you've forgotten about Jesus.

So you see, it's just Jesus.

Let's not talk. Let's not write.

Just Jesus.

Somedays I wish I could perfectly articulate all that I experience in my world.

Somedays I wish I didn't have to wait for inspiration, that it instead was available to use at my leisure.

Somedays I wish I could just close my eyes and the scene before me would stop for just a little while longer.

Somedays I wish life was just that simple, that the way I saw the world really did matter.

Somedays I wish I was fearless.

Most nights I lie awake thinking that smiles and laughter is all that is good in life.

I start to put my hope in people and in circumstances.

I begin to believe in the power of what I can do.

But I'm so very wrong.

Yes, there is still beauty in the world, because we're still here.

Every smile, every sound of laughter, it all points to Christ. We were made in His image.


We're His children.

So shouldn't the children of God be beautiful?

There is beauty in us because of Christ. We were made for Him and that is reflected in who we are.

So all those nights, I sit in my bed dreaming of a better tomorrow, I'm really hoping for Christ. I'm dreaming of the day when my sanctification is complete, and I am with Him forever.

David tells us in the Psalms to delight ourselves in the Lord and He will give us the desires of our hearts. I once believed that if I turn to God, He would give me everything I wanted. But who am I to ask God for something I'm not even sure is right for me? Who am I to demand that God give me something because I, in my human mind and spirit, believe it is best for me? Everything is about God, whether we acknowledge it or not. Every person on this earth, every tree rustling in the wind, every creature under the sun, and anything else in all creation is screaming for Christ. He is the only thing that completes us. He's not the only thing that truly completes us, He is the only thing. There is no competition for Christ. There is only Christ.

Jesus is everywhere. I wish people saw that more. I wish I saw that more.

I wish I would spend less of my days worried about security and more of them worrying about loving Christ more.

I wish I would throw myself completely into my relationship with Him.

I wish I would let Jesus complete me.

I wish I could feel Him like I did again.

I wish somewhere in the middle of my dreaming and wishing there would just be peace, and Christ.

Throwback Thursday

Because we all need a little laugh every now and then.

Because I absolutely love love pictures, and the older the better.

Because I picked these two girls up from school on Tuesday and Amanda(top left) is now 11 and will be entering middle school in the fall.

Because memory lane can be so very amusing.

So here's to these two girls and their little sister Caroline for giving me the privilege of watching you all grow up, for humbling me through changing each and everyone of your diapers, for introducing me to Dora, and for finally agreeing to take the underwear off your head before I put you into bed.