But none the less, I have finals. I'm a complainer and have definitely done my share of complaining this week while watching friend after friend throw in the towel and say hello to summer. But I feel the Lord working in me through this frustrating time.
I have run out of every ounce of energy in my body. I am drained. Getting up each morning and just being at school is a daunting task. I am frustrated and impatient.
On the way home from impact tonight the song "I Will Worship While I'm Waiting" came on. It stopped me dead on. The idea, to worship while you're waiting, stuck in my head.
About 30 min before at Impact the speaker was talking about drugs and alcohol. But at one point he talked about the idea of living your life sold out for Christ. Completely, and wholly being a servant of Christ. He read out of Romans 1 which says
"Take your everyday, ordinary life-your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking around life-and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. "
I've been riding on the fence with my relationship with God for a while. I've put him aside to chase after, well, my school work. If any of you know me, you know I'm a perfectionist and I also get stressed really easily. Best quality? Probably not. The Lord has brought it to my attention time and time again that He has not been first, and that my school work has taken a place in my life that is reserved for Him. It has honestly consumed me this year.
And that fact brings me to where I am now. So close to being done with school. Seems like my problem is basically over, and that with summer coming I can focus on God since school is out of the way. I've contemplated the idea, but then I think that school will start again, and it will end again, and then start again. And then after school is out, I'll start working. I feel that there will always be something that competes with my relationship with Christ. And so, this problem will not go away.
I don't have all the answers and I want to run from God. I feel ashamed that I fret about such silly stuff. But God keeps calling me back. His voice has been very quiet this year, mostly because I've been trying to silence it. But I can't. I can't ignore God. He's standing there with arms wide open ready to embrace me.
I don't think I have the strength to go to God. I think He's going to have to carry me across the finish line this time. But that's ok, I know God wants me however I am, all bruised and stained with my sin.
I will worship while I'm waiting and while I'm complaining, and while I'm stuck inside . I will run the race even while I wait. I will move ahead in confidence, taking every step in obedience.
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:3-8
