Pause.

Until this past weekend, my life has been in super-sonic speed. It was absolutely crazy, but it was the good kind of crazy. The kind that makes you want to get up in the morning and go because you love what you do. It was good, but it was crazy.

I crashed thursday night. My body literally would not do anything but sleep. I had not gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a good two weeks. My own fault, but nonetheless it happened. So my body was revolting and rightfully so.

So I slept. And I slept.

And I slept.

You can talk to my roommate and she will gladly confirm the amount of hours I slept in these past few days. I have been happily averaging 11-12 hours a night and 3 of the past 4 days have included a minimum 4 hour nap. So I am recovering from my burn out and I am now resurfacing from under my rock.

But all that to say, the Lord had been whispering in my ear to stop and be still for a while now. But I didn't. I was stubborn and I said I would do it later. So finally the Lord forced me, and it was so good. Sleeping is a beautiful thing. And I think being in college we often forget the power of a good nights sleep. But seriously, to be still and to be rested has been such a blessing lately. To sit in the Lord's presence and be completely there is compelling.

Almost two weeks ago now, I went to lead a Dnow in Tylertown and the theme of the weekend was Pause. Funny, God. Really funny. The one thing I talked about the most and hoped and prayed my girls would get that weekend was really what I need to get into my head. I needed to pause. I needed to stop, but I wouldn't. But man, when I did, I understood why God says be still and know that I am God.

Because He is, and that's all we need to know.

I like the dorms like this. I like to sit on my bed and think about life. I picture myself in the arms of Jesus these nights. Just me and him in the quietness of the moments.

I love being in the dorm on Wednesday nights. Wednesday night, as we all know, is church night. At MC that is the time when most students during the week are, for the majority, all off campus at one time. And I know that sounds a little sacrilegious, but I feel like everything is at peace on wednesday night. MC slows down for that little period of time. I feel like I can actually think and get real with the Lord.

Lately I've been faced with a lot of hurt. And by a lot I mean very minuscule, practically nothing compared to the hurt that I continually cause God everyday. I've been thinking a lot about brokenness, mostly in my life but also in the lives of those who I am around. I wonder how in the world are we as Christians to deal with so much brokenness?

The more and more I look at my life, I realize that I can't fix it. I am way more human than I would like to be. I have this high-low roller coaster relationship with God that I continually promise Him I'm going to get better at but I never do. I run away from Him and then come back begging for mercy. I try resolution after resolution. But at the end of the day I'm just broken.

I know the good news. I am saved. I am redeemed. I am made whole again. But then I mess up. And Satan starts to attack me and make me believe that I will never be made whole.

I then look at others. I see people I know know the Lord hurt other people, hurt me, or mess up badly.

I guess I'm just looking and I don't get it. God is here but there is still so much brokenness. There's still slavery. There is still murder. There is still so much hurt. God, where are you?

But as I sit in these moments, letting the presence of Jesus envelop me, I am reminded that He is here in the midst of brokenness, that He comes in spite of our brokenness, and I am slowly being made whole in Him.

Most nights I just ask Jesus to tell me who I am. I lay there and simply listen as he whispers in my ear over and over again "You are fearless." I like the dorms like this, they feel truly safe. I think me and Jesus should meet like this every wednesday night. Just me and Him. I'll sit in His arms and He can remind me who I am.

Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good wednesday night to me.