Treasures.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

-Psalm 139:13-14.

Camp Tallowood.

Let's start with sixth grade. Here is the only picture of me at camp in sixth grade to my knowledge. I'm wearing an aqua color shirt, but don't try to find me. I'm about the size of a neutron. Or try to find me. It's your call really. Most of camp that year was a blur. I don't really remember much, but I do remember somethings.

1. A guy with red hair (possibly one of the Heflin brothers) took me and some other girls in my cabin to the senior-sixth grade breakfast. I straitened my hair that morning.

2. Kathryn and I convinced our leader(whoever that was) that we were triplets and that Elise was the third. (We explained her red hair by saying it was from our mothers side).

3. The girl on the top bunk in our cabin above Emily threw up(from the top bunk) while we were in mid-prayer one night. Our cabin smelled for the rest of the week.

4. The Players did an interp to Here is Our King and I knew from that moment on that I wanted to be a Player one day.

5. I saw who Jesus really was for the first time that week and my life has never been the same. I came home wanting to do nothing but read my Bible, because finally everything in it made sense.

7th grade. So that year, I apparently didn't know what sunscreen was and thought sunglasses made me look like a cool high schooler. My favorite camp t-shirt was also from this year (it was ligh blue, my favorite color). We studied Genesis that year and I don't remember exactly what the Lord taught me, but I remember sitting in worship every night blown away at how big of a God I served.

8th grade. That year at camp was especially fun for me. I had befriended a senior in our youth group named Mallory the past spring and getting to say hi to her at camp was the most exciting thing in the world. It was the first year my birthday fell on the week of camp and Mallory gave me a small travel sized bible for my birthday since I had been complaining about carrying my huge one around for weeks. My parents even came to camp that year as sponsors. And my father, bless his heart, managed to break his knee and cut his head open in less than three days. It's ok though, he made new friends at the hospital. People at camp kept telling us we should wrap him in bubble wrap. We probably should have.

In our tribal shout, I had to play some sort of egyptian princess and Ryan was Pharaoh, which explains the funny makeup in the above picture. We took a hike as a whole camp that year to a place where they had built a mock temple. We saw our pastor who acted as the high priest sit down to symbolize how his job was finished because Jesus died on the cross. Now, all could come into the presence of God.

Freshman year. That was a big one. I remember being ready for the Lord that year at camp. I was thirsty for Him. The man who was supposed to come and be our camp pastor had broke his back the week before camp and was unable to come. So some leaders in our church and youth group preached in place of him that week. On tuesday night, our youth secretary Rebecca spoke. The Lord spoke in powerful ways through her and by the end of the night I found myself up at the front just saying "Yes, Lord" in response over and over again. I got baptized that year. I remember coming up out of the water thinking about the last line of a Chris Tomlin song that said "But God who called me here below will be forever mine." God was forever mine and He always will be.

Sophomore year. Well, Margaret finally decided to come to camp. My sunday school teacher and I schemed all year long to get Sarge to camp and came out victorious. Also, a few of my friends and I made a camp promo video called Camp Tallowood throwdown. It was a take off of the hoedown throw-down from Hannah Montana. We now have 603 views on youtube. Yup, we're cool. My camp book that year is stuffed with notes from the service each night. I remember running out of room while my hand cramped as I tried to catch everything the pastor was saying.

Junior year. That year was special in a bunch of ways. I got to perform with players for the first time at camp. And Kelly was a sixth grader at camp, which made me nostalgic. I was blessed to have Carolyn as my leader again that year. One of my friends and I prayed for brokenness in the weeks prior to camp. We prayed that the Lord would rebuild our hearts again, and that the Lord would make us whole in Him. That week at camp was the beginning of an almost year long process of healing.

So I get the privilege of leaving in a mere six days for my senior year at Camp Tallowood. At camp over the years, I have been exiled, I have wandered like the Israelites, I have seen Jesus crucified, Isaac almost sacrificed, and the temple destroyed. Lord only knows what's in store this year. But I'm going to sing, and dance, and listen, and break, and be renewed one last time. Camp Tallowood, it's go time.

Focus.

Let's just be honest here, I don't deal with rejection well. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself lately, and one thing in particular is that I become bitter when people reject me. My first name is Mary, which apparently means bitter. Sometimes I'm a little bit discouraged by this. I feel that I am doomed to be bitter in life because it is my name. But I'm beginning to understand that the meaning of my name is more like a warning label than a defining characteristic. I am going to have to work hard to get over my grudges and forgive. It's a challenge really. And if I've learned anything from my friend Margaret, it is that you can do anything that you set your mind to and that challenges can be really exciting because when you overcome them, well that's an accomplishment.

This past year I applied for a discipleship program for the summer at a camp I had gone to for the last three summers. My brother had done the same program when he was a senior and was now a counselor at camp. I remember seeing him change so much that first summer he spent at camp in the discipleship program. I saw him grow exponentially in his relationship with the Lord. He became so wise, and such an amazing man of God. He had such a Godly confidence that just radiated from him. I desired to experience the same thing myself when I was his age.

So I applied to this program saying I was just going to trust the Lord with it. I put on fake smiles and when talking about the program I would lie to people saying I would trust the Lord's plan whatever the outcome. Inside I knew I would be devastated if I didn't get in, mostly because I was afraid I would never get to experience the change that I had seen my brother go through while there. I was worried I would never become this confident woman of the Lord. I wanted this program to fix me. I wanted it to erase my hurt, my insecurity, and mend my relationship with the Lord. I was counting on this program.

Then I got a text from a friend who had also applied asking if I had gotten a call from camp. Some other people she knew had gotten a call from camp saying they were in. So I waited for the next week hoping that every unknown caller would be someone from camp telling me that they had chosen me to be in their program. My rejection email slipped itself into my inbox only a week later. But by that time, I had lost hope and had seen it coming.

The worst part of it all, was that this camp had a heart beat for Jesus. It was a camp that I knew was no wishy washy Christian camp. It was the real thing. They followed Christ. So what was wrong with me? Was I not Godly enough?

Getting rejected from a Christian organization was rough. The insecurity that sprung from it was unlike any I had dealt with before and it was destructive. Telling people that I knew the Lord had a plan was a lie to hide behind. I was mortified, angry, confused, and bitter.

I'm still struggling with trusting the Lord. Some days I'm so angry that the Lord chose not to put me there. Didn't He know how closer I would be to Him if I was there? But the Lord has reminded me the past few days that I don't see it all. My view is out of focus. Like the picture above, I am only able to clearly see part of the picture, but God sees everything that is going on. I could sit here and try to figure out why the Lord wanted me here this summer. But my hope doesn't lie in figuring the Lord's plan out. My hope lies in loving and trusting Him.

So I'm going to focus on the things in front of me, and I'm going to pray that the Lord gives me the strength to forgive and to trust. With the Lord's strength, I'm going to fight every instinct in me to be bitter about not getting into the program. And the funny thing is, I'm slowly starting to experience that confidence I saw my brother gain. Who knows? Maybe the Lord's in charge of my path for a reason.