Caitlyn

I never thought as a senior in high school, I would find strength in the eyes of a sixth grade girl. But this past summer, that is exactly what happened.

Most days I long for that moment again. I think about how angry I was at the Lord, and about how frustrated my situation had made me. I remember the way the Lord humbled me. I also remember how in that moment, as I sat on that bright green sleeping bag with a 12 year old little girl named Caitlyn, the only thing that came out of my mouth was a song.

I'm not a singer. I've always wished that I was, but unfortunately my brother got that gene in our family and the rest of us have had to get by in children's choir and middle school choir learning to artfully and gracefully lisping. But as Caitlyn looked at me with those big blue eyes full of tears, and signs of fear and loneliness, all I could do was sing "our God is greater, our God is stronger, our God is higher than any other, our God is healer, awesome in power, our God, our God" over and over again.

By this time, my newfound cabinmates had stopped there game of "let's see who can scream the loudest" and the people who were now passing by our quarantine room gave confused looks as they went about their nighttime activities. For the first time that day, I felt the Lord's peace. In those few moments, I knew I served a faithful God. I knew His plan was perfect. He knew I needed Caitlyn just as much as she needed me.

Sometimes I wish I could relive that moment. I wish I could sit there with Caitlyn again and sing over her. I wish I could feel the Lord's sovereignty again as I did in those moments. I wish I could look into her eyes and find the strength to withstand the storm.

That night as I stopped singing, I apologized to her for my inability to hit any note. She then said to me "No, no, I liked it." So we picked up again together this time. A kind of silence filled the room. The whole atmosphere had changed. The sorrow had gone, the tears had dried up, and we all knew the Lord was watching over us.

The Lord provides. He always provides.

I really want to have a long chat with my best friend over some cookie dough right now.

I want things to start to fall into place.

I want to wake up in the morning with a desire to dig into the word and be rooted in it.

I want to be selfless.

I want to go throughout my day remembering who I am, but mostly whose I am.

I want to lose myself in the Lord.

I want to quit surviving and start thriving.

I want to be receptive of people's love and be able to return it.

But most of all, I want comfort.

But I know I don't need comfort.

I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I'm thankful for being out of my comfort zone.

I'm thankful for this discomfort because I know the Lord is faithful.

Lord please, tell me the story again. Help me remember. Lead me by still waters. I want to be near you and listen to you speak. I am here. My heart has wandered, but I am here. I need you. I need to hear the story again. I want to hear of your faithfulness and of your grace. I want to hear how you use the weak and how you strengthen them. I want to worship at your feet. Let the world pale in comparison to You. Let me come before You with a pure heart, Lord.

Daughter,

Give me your hand. Now don't be scared, I know you can't see the other side but I'll be right here the whole time. Find your courage in me, I will sustain you. You are my daughter, I created you for this moment right now, and for this place. This is where you will go, and you will grow in me. This is your home. Life is not going to be perfect, but in following me you will never have an easy life. That is not what is best for you. Here, I will challenge you, I will equip you, I will mold you, and I will fill you. My child, seek me every day, for you will find me. I am here, always. Don't ever think you are not good enough for my love. I want you. I gave up everything for you. Look at me, I want you to remember who you are for you are mine. Rise up, o child, and fulfill my purpose for you. I can't tell you everything right now. You will find out in due time.

For I will cover you with my feathers, and under my wings you will find refuge; my faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror or night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked If you make the Most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is your refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For I will command my angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Go, and be in this place. This is your home. Fight the good fight of faith. Take courage. Don't look back. Give me your hand, I can't wait till you get to see what's in store. It's a pretty good plan if I do say so myself.

all my love,

your heavenly father