It's 6:15 a.m. and the sound of my ringing alarm clock has already brought me back into reality. I sit and question my yesterday self, and wonder why I thought I would get myself up at 6:15 when I don't have to be at school till 8:45. Oh yeah, homework. I hit the off button telling myself that I just need a few more minutes. I'll wake up by 6:30, I promise. I open my eyes again to find that it is now 7. Ok we'll just forget homework for right now, I'll do it later. 45 minutes later I am still in my bed with one eye open trying not to fall back asleep. I finally pull myself out of bed and determine whether I have enough energy to try to look cute that day or not. After getting myself to look like a human, I run downstairs, pour myself a glass of orange juice and grab a bagel. It is now 8:23. I hop in the car, only to find myself wading through MMS traffic and kids on bicycles.

Life for me has become routine. I'm into that part of the year where I've got everything down to a schedule. My days are essentially the same. And I'm ok with that, I like to be comfortable. I know what everyday will look like, and what activities I have on every day. My weeks have even become routine, Monday:players, Tuesday: tutor, Wednesday: impact, etc. My life is predictable, which I'm fine with. I operate well under a schedule. But I've become so robotic about things that the Lord has slid to the side. There's not a paper on Him due tomorrow, or a test over the Bible Thursday so I haven't made Him a priority.

Time has gotten away from me. Monday has turned into Tuesday which turns into Friday which turns into Monday. I'm so focused on what is literally right in front of my that I haven't cared about the Lord. I haven't really talked with Him in a while. I'm going with the plan of trying to work Him into my schedule, as if mine was more important. But the reality is that I need to work my life around His. I so often get the wrong, and I treat the Lord just like I do my homework, something to be checked off a list.

I'm learning how to be humble, and to realize that I need the Lord everyday. I think my problem lately has been that I've been stuck in this OK phase. Nothing extremely bad has happened while nothing extremely good has either. So I buy into this lie that I don't need the Lord.

But our God is not a pocket God. We can't just pull Him out when we want Him to do something. He wants a daily and personal relationship with us. This is a lesson I need to understand, and to put into practice.

My life is not ordinary. I have been saved by undeserved grace. Christ has set me free. I so often forget this. I forget who my God is and without Him my life becomes routine.

I need to remember, I so badly need to remember.

"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after that." Deuteronomy 4:9

I tend to make non awkward situations awkward. But in my own way. And yes, I'm fully aware that the awkwardness is all my fault.

I think that the whole check out process at a store is very awkward in itself. The cashier just stands there as I fumble through my wallet to find where I last put my credit card. I never know what to do with my receipts. Thank you captain obvious for telling me how much I just paid. What am I supposed to do with this now? I guess if I was really concerned I would log all my purchases in some sort of fashion. But that would actually take effort, none of which I clearly posses.

I hate paying in cash. Not only do I rarely have any cash with me, but sometimes I have more than needed. And I feel bad paying for my 54 cent slushie at sonic with a 20 dollar bill. And then when the cashier gives the change back he or she puts the bills on bottom, the receipt on top of that, and then the coins on top of the receipt. Seriously. A. why are you giving me a receipt? I just payed in cash and B. I would really just like my change, together...in one place, preferable with the receipt on bottom.

Good thing I'm not in a hurry. I'll just hang out here while I get all the change back into my wallet and sort through the unorganized mess you just handed me.

Today my walls shattered just a little bit. Lately I've been trying to hide. I don't want people to really know me. To know that I am not secure with who I am and with the Lord. I want to be the strong senior, the one who has it all together. I want underclassmen to look up to me, to admire my faith. But my faith is nothing worth admiring. Lately it has been hanging on a string. And I've left it there. I've searched for myself in many places. I've doubted myself alot and started to play the "what if" game.

I'm hiding. Hiding behind smiles, and laughter, and walls. I don't want people to think I'm uncool (how lame does that sound?). I guess I have this thought in my head that since I'm a senior and a "leader" I have to have it all together. And it has driven a huge wall between me and the Lord. I have refused to go to the Lord because I'm afraid. Afraid that He'll see all the times I have failed this year. All the times I have been a crappy newspaper editor. All my insecurities, all my moments of pride and anger. I'm afraid He'll really see me. He'll see all the gunk in my life.

I also don't want other people to see that. I don't want people at church to see that I'm struggling. I don't want people at school to see I'm struggling with my faith. But the truth is, I've bought into one of Satan's lies and he has been able to reek havoc on my spiritual life.

Today I was humbled. And realized, in front of my whole english class, that I'm not secure in who I am. People for the first time got a glimpse of the real me. Not the confident Mary Helen I pretend to be, but the real me. And in a weird way it was freeing. I finally learned to just be me, because we're all not as cool as we present ourselves to be. We're all just as insecure as the person next to us.

I also was reminded that God chose me. And that I am His. God's love for me is ferocious. He is jealous for me. And He doesn't care how much I've messed up or how many times I've let Him down. He still wants to talk to me and be in a relationship with me. His love is so strong.

My counselor wrote a really sweet blog about insecurity through an experience she had lately. You should check it out, it's definitely worth your time.

http://lindsaymitchell.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/zip-line/

I would love to...

1. Get my thoughts straight in my head.

2. Somehow communicate those thoughts to those reading this.

3.Figure out what to do my Anglo-Saxon boast about for English.

4. Find some rollie pollies.

5. Figure out a title for my newspaper article.

6. Go to bed.

7. Be in B lunch.

8. Travel.

9. Finish my college essays.

10. Meet Lauren Graham, or the Duggers. Either one really.