Today my walls shattered just a little bit. Lately I've been trying to hide. I don't want people to really know me. To know that I am not secure with who I am and with the Lord. I want to be the strong senior, the one who has it all together. I want underclassmen to look up to me, to admire my faith. But my faith is nothing worth admiring. Lately it has been hanging on a string. And I've left it there. I've searched for myself in many places. I've doubted myself alot and started to play the "what if" game.

I'm hiding. Hiding behind smiles, and laughter, and walls. I don't want people to think I'm uncool (how lame does that sound?). I guess I have this thought in my head that since I'm a senior and a "leader" I have to have it all together. And it has driven a huge wall between me and the Lord. I have refused to go to the Lord because I'm afraid. Afraid that He'll see all the times I have failed this year. All the times I have been a crappy newspaper editor. All my insecurities, all my moments of pride and anger. I'm afraid He'll really see me. He'll see all the gunk in my life.

I also don't want other people to see that. I don't want people at church to see that I'm struggling. I don't want people at school to see I'm struggling with my faith. But the truth is, I've bought into one of Satan's lies and he has been able to reek havoc on my spiritual life.

Today I was humbled. And realized, in front of my whole english class, that I'm not secure in who I am. People for the first time got a glimpse of the real me. Not the confident Mary Helen I pretend to be, but the real me. And in a weird way it was freeing. I finally learned to just be me, because we're all not as cool as we present ourselves to be. We're all just as insecure as the person next to us.

I also was reminded that God chose me. And that I am His. God's love for me is ferocious. He is jealous for me. And He doesn't care how much I've messed up or how many times I've let Him down. He still wants to talk to me and be in a relationship with me. His love is so strong.

My counselor wrote a really sweet blog about insecurity through an experience she had lately. You should check it out, it's definitely worth your time.

http://lindsaymitchell.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/zip-line/