What if it all didn't matter.

What if we did it.

What if we walked out.

What if everything melted away and it was just us.

You ask me how I'm different. Truth is I'm not really different, I'm just me.

I focus on the little things. Every smile, every good moment means everything in my book.

I focus on the Lord because He is the source of my joy. His faithfulness reminds me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

But it's true, I'm not perfect. As much as I would like to be or think I am, my heart is broken. And I am broken.

I view the world differently. I capture those moments that we forget about, those simple moments of beauty.

Because sometimes we need to see beauty, we need to see what God sees, and God sees beauty in us, in all of us.

So what if it didn't matter.

What if we walked away.

What if it all melted away, and we could just be us.

Well then none of it would matter, and that's the scariest part.

I don't think I can accurately describe what my heart went through this past week.

I don't think I can fully articulate to you what it is like to prayer walk through a mosque.

I don't think I can convey to you the grasp satan had over my soul.

I don't think I can show you how broken my heart is.

Paris is a dark city, and by dark I really mean full of life. And by full of life I mean the life that this world has to offer. I've never been in such a place of emptiness. After only 24 hours there, I was begging the Lord to take me back to America, back to MC, back to a place where I could feel the Lord again.

Because I couldn't feel the Lord in Paris, only Satan. I could only see Satan's work in Paris. After talking to a man on the street that told me there was no use for me being here and sharing about Christ everything spiritually for me shut down. Before I left and as I prayer walked I asked the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. He answered that prayer. I felt the Lord's heart in such a new way. I got just a glimpse of the hurt and compassion he has over the people in Paris. And that hurt pierced through my heart and left me breathless. I became so spiritually weak that I could barely walk. All I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to run around the city of Paris, shaking people and letting them know that there is someone above all this world and who is in control and who loves them unconditionally. I was angry and so very frustrated. I wanted more than anything to return to MC and be back in a place where Christianity is the norm, but I didn't want anyone to know how discouraged I was. I didn't want to come back with stories like this.

I felt so useless. What in the world could I do in just a mere seven days. As I had already been told, I was wasting my time. No one was ever going to listen to me. I was so wounded. Everywhere I would walk, I would see people everywhere. People that God loves with all His heart and people that He is pursuing. And they just walked past me and went about their life, seeking fulfillment in empty places. What in the world can I do?

Most nights now I just ask the Lord to hold me, to hold my heart. I beg for him to tell me again that his plan is perfect, that He is just. Mostly, He just sits there with me. We sit in silence because words are not necessary. So we just sit there through the night, His arms around me, and we cry together, our hearts aching for the lost.

So if you ask me about my trip to Paris I'm going to tell you that it was good, because it was. To understand Christ's heart more was the most good I've had in a while.

I woke up the other morning and one phrase kept repeating in my head "There is purpose in Paris." And as I kept going throughout my day, the phrase would not leave my head. It sounded cheesy and I didn't really get why I began to focus on it so much. Purpose is something I had prayed for. It was something I desired. But mostly I wanted a specific laid out purpose, not just some silly little rhyme.

The purpose of our lives is to glorify Christ. Simple as that. So as I began to pray over Paris and the way the Lord was moving in my life, I asked the Lord for purpose. I desired to know why. What was the big plan, Lord? I've been struggling for a while now with restlessness. I didn't understand why the Lord was stirring something in my heart and I had no idea what it was. It scared me and I wanted answers. My answer came from the Lord with two simple words.

Seek me.

Ok really God, that's your big answer. I'm confused and wanting to know why things are happening the way they are and what you want me to do with my life and you just tell me to seek You. But after I got over myself, I realized that's it. That's all we ever need to do. Hold on so tight to the Lord and follow hard after Him. That's all we can ever do. He will lead us. I truly believe that. I have no idea what the Lord plans to do with silly old Mary Helen, but I know He's going to do something. He knows what I'm going to do and where I'm going to be and I trust that He will reveal that in His timing. But I have to be ready to receive that. I have to draw near to Him. I have to rest in Him and park myself at the foot of the cross.

Sometimes the future scares me. I'm scared that I won't leave a legacy. I'm scared I'll miss what God wants me to do. I'm scared I won't ever get married. But then I think about the cross. I think about how Christ suffered hell for me and how He loves me unconditionally. I think about how my God is big and He has saved me. I think about how He has given me purpose. And I remember that He will guide my steps every day.

So as I head out this friday to Paris, the Lord is reminding me to seek Him. I don't know what the week will look like there but I do know that God is moving in that city, and I couldn't be more excited to be apart of it.

Unending joy.

Oh Jesus,

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Praise Your name. Let us shout it unto the heavens for what you have done.

You restore.

You heal.

You are faithful.

You renew us.

You protect us.

You are good.

Jesus,

Jesus,

Jesus.

Let me forever sit at your feet. Oh Lord, don't let me move from here.

Continue to heal me, to restore me. Continue making me whole in You.

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus. I need You. I always need You.

How sweet is Your presence, O Lord.

You turned my weeping into dancing, You set my feet on level ground.

I will praise You Lord. I want to glorify You with my life.

Take me Lord. Oh please use me.

But keep me here. Face down at your feet. Let me live my life in fear and reverence of You.

You are worthy, Lord.