I don't think I can accurately describe what my heart went through this past week.

I don't think I can fully articulate to you what it is like to prayer walk through a mosque.

I don't think I can convey to you the grasp satan had over my soul.

I don't think I can show you how broken my heart is.

Paris is a dark city, and by dark I really mean full of life. And by full of life I mean the life that this world has to offer. I've never been in such a place of emptiness. After only 24 hours there, I was begging the Lord to take me back to America, back to MC, back to a place where I could feel the Lord again.

Because I couldn't feel the Lord in Paris, only Satan. I could only see Satan's work in Paris. After talking to a man on the street that told me there was no use for me being here and sharing about Christ everything spiritually for me shut down. Before I left and as I prayer walked I asked the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. He answered that prayer. I felt the Lord's heart in such a new way. I got just a glimpse of the hurt and compassion he has over the people in Paris. And that hurt pierced through my heart and left me breathless. I became so spiritually weak that I could barely walk. All I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to run around the city of Paris, shaking people and letting them know that there is someone above all this world and who is in control and who loves them unconditionally. I was angry and so very frustrated. I wanted more than anything to return to MC and be back in a place where Christianity is the norm, but I didn't want anyone to know how discouraged I was. I didn't want to come back with stories like this.

I felt so useless. What in the world could I do in just a mere seven days. As I had already been told, I was wasting my time. No one was ever going to listen to me. I was so wounded. Everywhere I would walk, I would see people everywhere. People that God loves with all His heart and people that He is pursuing. And they just walked past me and went about their life, seeking fulfillment in empty places. What in the world can I do?

Most nights now I just ask the Lord to hold me, to hold my heart. I beg for him to tell me again that his plan is perfect, that He is just. Mostly, He just sits there with me. We sit in silence because words are not necessary. So we just sit there through the night, His arms around me, and we cry together, our hearts aching for the lost.

So if you ask me about my trip to Paris I'm going to tell you that it was good, because it was. To understand Christ's heart more was the most good I've had in a while.