9.26.2010

I'm really thankful for laughter, for refreshment, limited sleep, and sweet reminders.

This weekend was player's(church drama team) retreat. And although this year will probably not go as expected or anywhere near smooth, I'm still really excited for the new year.
Last year was my first time in players and words can not express the blessing it was on my life. Not to say that we were perfect or that everything was just peachy 24-7, but the Lord used players to teach me many lessons this past year. What I love most about players is that we can do an interp over and over again week after week and things will still hit me after months of preforming it. There were times this summer, especially on our mission trip to San Diego, where we would preform interps that we learned last fall, and I would still feel the Lord tugging on my heart.

When I was younger I used to watch players and marvel about being apart of them one day. I loved the way they conveyed the message of Christ through theater. But I never expected it to teach me more once I was on it, than we would teach to others.

I keep getting asked the question "how is senior year?" and my answer often is "not what I thought." I remember this summer begging the Lord to grow me this year, to push me, to make me seek Him, but I never expected senior year to go like this.

Senior year is THE year. You're supposed to be confident and cool. Everything is supposed to fall into place. But, this year all my worst fears have been confirmed. Time after time I have felt abandoned, insecure, unsure, and like an idiot. I feel like I've been handed an unfair lot with nothing going my way. Frustration has characterized most of my days as I constantly ask of the Lord "why?". I'm scared of losing my friends. I hate that I get frustrated.

I don't like being driven to my knees. I don't like having to rely on someone else. Lately, God has whispered in my ear to be patient and to understand that He has something in store. These are lessons I need to learn. I'm no fan of hard lessons. And I have spent a lot of time running from the Lord lately, and not wanting to surrender to His plan. But I've gone so many other places that have left me lacking and empty.

It's raining hard, and I can't see the other side of the lake. I need refuge. I so badly need refuge.

9.16.2010

I am...

I think I'm going about this all the wrong way. Lately, I've been looking for myself in all the wrong places. My English teacher keeps talking about how we need to show colleges who we are in our essays. This has brought me to much searching. I've been trying to compile who I am. I've tried looking for my passion. I've defined myself in so many ways lately that just don't seem to fit. I've started to look around at other people and who they are, and what their passions are.

Bad move. I once heard someone say that comparison is the thief of joy. And they are totally right.

Once I started to look around and see people around me and how much passion and fulfilment they seemed to have in whatever they did, I became jealous. They could define their life. They had something. And I began to question myself. I tried to identify myself with something of the world, some activity that I could do. I so badly wanted to have a passion like my friends had.
I became frustrated with God. I felt left out. Everyone else had something that I didn't.

People always say that Jesus needs to be enough, and that He is enough. This is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. I say that because I have yet to even begin to understand the concept of Him being enough. I run in so many other directions looking for fulfilment.

I think my problem was thinking that I am who I am because of me. I was looking for my heart somewhere in the world, yet didn't realize that it was already with the Lord.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

9.07.2010

Empty handed.

A friend of mine gave me a CD by Tenth Avenue North for my birthday. All the songs are pretty sweet, but there's one that has caught my attention lately called "Lift Us Up to Fall". At one point in the song it says "we come empty hands held out". And that has really struck a chord in me this week.

I'm slowly realizing that God does not need me, but that I really really need Him. I am a wretched and depraved sinner desperately in need of salvation.

My pastor said something on Sunday that I thought was really cool. He said that our lives do not make sense without Christ, that we were made for Him. He also said that in Christ, we have everything we need. I thought that was a pretty awesome thought to rest in. God's got us covered.

The Lord has brought over and over to my mind, that life is just not about me. I wake up each morning wanting to focus on my activities for the day, and my agenda. And then I become worried, because then I have to figure out a way to make all those things happen. It has struck me so hard that I can't bring anything more to the Lord than my heart. God is way more concerned with my attitude than with what I'm doing. And that so contradicts what the world tells us.

God's been constantly asking me these past few days "where's your heart?". He has brought to my attention Matthew 6:21 which says "for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." And most days my treasure and my heart are in the wrong place.

Recently, I have been remodeling my room. And in the process I have gone through just about everything in my room, and throwing out stuff I don't need anymore. A couple of days ago, I got around to my trophies and medals. As I looked over them, I realized that they were nothing more than a piece of metal or a piece of wood. They were covered in mounds of dust and I hadn't even looked up on the top of my desk where they were stored in years. I ended up keeping a few. But as I took the throw away pile downstairs to the trash I kept thinking to myself "is this all I have to show for my life?", and "this is really pitiful."

I don't want a bunch of metal and paper to be all I have to show the Lord at the end of my life. I know He wants my heart. Like the song says, we come empty handed to the cross. And I think that is so amazing because that takes so much of the burden off.

Christ sets us free. He's got everything under control. He's all we need.

And all the brothers and sisters said AAAAmen.