I'm really thankful for laughter, for refreshment, limited sleep, and sweet reminders.

This weekend was player's(church drama team) retreat. And although this year will probably not go as expected or anywhere near smooth, I'm still really excited for the new year.

Last year was my first time in players and words can not express the blessing it was on my life. Not to say that we were perfect or that everything was just peachy 24-7, but the Lord used players to teach me many lessons this past year. What I love most about players is that we can do an interp over and over again week after week and things will still hit me after months of preforming it. There were times this summer, especially on our mission trip to San Diego, where we would preform interps that we learned last fall, and I would still feel the Lord tugging on my heart.

When I was younger I used to watch players and marvel about being apart of them one day. I loved the way they conveyed the message of Christ through theater. But I never expected it to teach me more once I was on it, than we would teach to others.

I keep getting asked the question "how is senior year?" and my answer often is "not what I thought." I remember this summer begging the Lord to grow me this year, to push me, to make me seek Him, but I never expected senior year to go like this.

Senior year is THE year. You're supposed to be confident and cool. Everything is supposed to fall into place. But, this year all my worst fears have been confirmed. Time after time I have felt abandoned, insecure, unsure, and like an idiot. I feel like I've been handed an unfair lot with nothing going my way. Frustration has characterized most of my days as I constantly ask of the Lord "why?". I'm scared of losing my friends. I hate that I get frustrated.

I don't like being driven to my knees. I don't like having to rely on someone else. Lately, God has whispered in my ear to be patient and to understand that He has something in store. These are lessons I need to learn. I'm no fan of hard lessons. And I have spent a lot of time running from the Lord lately, and not wanting to surrender to His plan. But I've gone so many other places that have left me lacking and empty.

It's raining hard, and I can't see the other side of the lake. I need refuge. I so badly need refuge.