Focus.

Let's just be honest here, I don't deal with rejection well. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself lately, and one thing in particular is that I become bitter when people reject me. My first name is Mary, which apparently means bitter. Sometimes I'm a little bit discouraged by this. I feel that I am doomed to be bitter in life because it is my name. But I'm beginning to understand that the meaning of my name is more like a warning label than a defining characteristic. I am going to have to work hard to get over my grudges and forgive. It's a challenge really. And if I've learned anything from my friend Margaret, it is that you can do anything that you set your mind to and that challenges can be really exciting because when you overcome them, well that's an accomplishment.

This past year I applied for a discipleship program for the summer at a camp I had gone to for the last three summers. My brother had done the same program when he was a senior and was now a counselor at camp. I remember seeing him change so much that first summer he spent at camp in the discipleship program. I saw him grow exponentially in his relationship with the Lord. He became so wise, and such an amazing man of God. He had such a Godly confidence that just radiated from him. I desired to experience the same thing myself when I was his age.

So I applied to this program saying I was just going to trust the Lord with it. I put on fake smiles and when talking about the program I would lie to people saying I would trust the Lord's plan whatever the outcome. Inside I knew I would be devastated if I didn't get in, mostly because I was afraid I would never get to experience the change that I had seen my brother go through while there. I was worried I would never become this confident woman of the Lord. I wanted this program to fix me. I wanted it to erase my hurt, my insecurity, and mend my relationship with the Lord. I was counting on this program.

Then I got a text from a friend who had also applied asking if I had gotten a call from camp. Some other people she knew had gotten a call from camp saying they were in. So I waited for the next week hoping that every unknown caller would be someone from camp telling me that they had chosen me to be in their program. My rejection email slipped itself into my inbox only a week later. But by that time, I had lost hope and had seen it coming.

The worst part of it all, was that this camp had a heart beat for Jesus. It was a camp that I knew was no wishy washy Christian camp. It was the real thing. They followed Christ. So what was wrong with me? Was I not Godly enough?

Getting rejected from a Christian organization was rough. The insecurity that sprung from it was unlike any I had dealt with before and it was destructive. Telling people that I knew the Lord had a plan was a lie to hide behind. I was mortified, angry, confused, and bitter.

I'm still struggling with trusting the Lord. Some days I'm so angry that the Lord chose not to put me there. Didn't He know how closer I would be to Him if I was there? But the Lord has reminded me the past few days that I don't see it all. My view is out of focus. Like the picture above, I am only able to clearly see part of the picture, but God sees everything that is going on. I could sit here and try to figure out why the Lord wanted me here this summer. But my hope doesn't lie in figuring the Lord's plan out. My hope lies in loving and trusting Him.

So I'm going to focus on the things in front of me, and I'm going to pray that the Lord gives me the strength to forgive and to trust. With the Lord's strength, I'm going to fight every instinct in me to be bitter about not getting into the program. And the funny thing is, I'm slowly starting to experience that confidence I saw my brother gain. Who knows? Maybe the Lord's in charge of my path for a reason.