I think that's a big thing I missed this semester. The belief that God is doing all that He promised to do. I so often forget how skewed my point of view is and that I only see part of the picture. I've been so numb lately to those around me. I've been frustrated that the Lord isn't doing things my way. I'm having to get over the fact that my way isn't best.But I can hear the Lord calling me softly to Himself. He is asking for me to trust Him, to find myself in Him, to revel in Him, and to be wholly His.
I so badly want these things. I want to rest completely in the Lord's presence. I want to trust Him. I want to find all of me in Him. But I also want my way. I want happy endings and earthly victories. I know that I don't get what I want, I get what I need.
I want everything I know about the Lord to transfer to my heart. I've spent so much time in sunday school and countless bible studies that I finally want all that to click again in my heart. I want to feel the Lord again. I want to genuinely desire His presence, not doing it for the approval of others. I want to have a real conversation and get to the bottom of things. I want to be me, and not fear what others think. I so badly want to be me.
Trust. I don't want to trust the Lord when I don't understand, when I have nothing to base my trust on. The only thing I have is the Lord. I hate that kind of trust mostly because I stink at it. I let Satan trick me into believing all sorts of lies about why I shouldn't trust the Lord. They seem so logical. Mary Helen, do you have any evidence that you're doing any good there? Do you really think the Lord is using you? You're not good enough for them. You're always too scared, you'll never get over that. The Lord has better people to use. You've just messed things up even more.
Over and over again they repeat in my head. I sit there and think about these statements. And slowly I take them as truth. I believe that I'm not good enough, that I just keep making more messes that the Lord has to clean up, and that I am a failure.
I want to believe. I desire to trust You. To be free from these lies. Help me listen to You. Quiet my soul and tune my ears to hear Your voice. But most of all Lord, help me in my unbelief.
1 comment:
Ah, my dear girl, you are wiser than you know! My own heart has said many of those things through the years. In fact, I've had similar thoughts this week! Your Father and Jesus, your Redeemer, is/are (The Trinity makes subject verb agreement tricky! Ha!) working in your life to show you who you really are and who He really is. It is a frustrating thing to awaken to the truth that we don't even have the goodness, the rightness, in ourselves and in our strength to love and trust Him the way that He deserves. Even the ability and power to love God has to come from Him. We are oh-so-needy! And yet, beautifully needy because it's out of your desperate need for Him to do this very thing in your heart that you will be able to see Him showing up! He is building your trustometer by showing you first that you cannot trust yourself to be and think and feel and believe like you should. I'm praying you will soon see the ways that HE is creating these things in you!
Love watching God work in your life,
Rebecca
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