It's one of those days where I feel lost in brokenness. My heart is breaking all around me and I don't know where to begin.

Actually I do know. I know this begins with me. I am completely broken. I don't think I could be more broken. And the last thing I want is for anyone to know that my heart is ripping in two. I want people to see me as put together. Someone who is cool, calm, and collective. Someone who knows what's going on, who's got it together. But the reality is, I'm hiding and I'm struggling.

I don't mean to say this in a pitiful way or to denote that one particular circumstance, person, or event has caused this. This is just something that the Lord is bringing me through at this point in my walk with Him and it's hard. So hard. But I couldn't be more thankful for this time because I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere. I'm growing in the Lord like I never have before. I'm learning things about myself that I never knew. But mostly, I'm actually learning how to depend on the Lord and seeing how beautiful it is to truly trust in Him.

I remember one day in particular where I knew the Lord was going to have to carry me. I knew I couldn't get through it on my own. And it was a beautiful day, one of the hardest days, but beautiful none the least.

I've been avoiding myself a whole lot lately because I know I won't like what I see. I instead busy myself in looking at the brokenness of others. I convince myself that I am better than others because I would never do A, B, or C. I then put a spiritual backing on my judgement and tell others that I am going to pray for them or attempt to love on them. I give myself a pat on the back for my decision and then go about my day.

But that's not the way I want to live my life. I want to quit living in this wishy washy state. I want to stand for something. I want to be real with people. I want to genuinely love. I want to continue to depend on the Lord. I want to be honest with those around me.

Search my heart, O God. Know my anxious thoughts. Test me. Lead me, Lord. Oh please lead me. I want to serve You, I so badly want to serve you. Help me captivate my thoughts and run after You.

Emanuel, God is with us

El Shaddai, all sufficient

Let the earth quake, our hope is unchanged.