Spring Break

Around 33 hours of my spring break was spent in the car. My family and I embarked on the stereotypical "college road-trip" and crossed a total of 7 states in our trusty old suburban. My feelings toward this trip was anything but excitement. Looking at colleges was just not the way I wanted to spend my spring break. And long car rides in general are just not my thing.

But thus I went, and I found two schools I liked and ended up enjoying myself along the way. I even began to enjoy the long car rides. I got to clear my head, and get away from my normal day-to-day routine.

One of the schools I visited was Union University in Jackson, TN. And at the end of the tour they gave me two books. One of them was about the tornado that hit their campus two years ago and destroyed a good bit of it. The marvel of that event was that nobody was killed.

So on our last stretch from Oxford, MS to good ol' H-Town I began to read the book. It was called God in the Whirlwind. Each chapter was a different account of a student or faculty member's experience of the tornado. So many students escaped death by mere inches and seconds. And it was an eye opening experience to read.

I was reminded of who God was. Not of how marvelous He was for sparing the lives of the students and faculty at Union (but He IS to be praised for that) but of how God strengthens those who trust in Him at their weakest moments.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm a complainer. And I've been throwing myself a pity-party for a while now. I've been acting like a six year old in my relationship with God. I'm frustrated God won't give me what I want. And I'm mad He won't make things easier for me.

And through the stories of the Union students who saw God work His best when they were at their weakest I was reminded of how God uses every situation for good.

Faith and trust in God has been something I've been lacking lately. Maybe that's why I'm just not to thrilled about this whole college process. Because for the first time my future is uncertain. And I have no certainty as to where I will be attending college. NONE. I have ideas, but nothing is decided. I was hoping I would walk on a college campus and just know that this is where I'm supposed to be. But I realized this past week that I am going to have to trust God. And that He will reveal His plans in His time, not mine.

I want to be in control of my future. I don't like uncertainty. But I know God, and I know He has plans for me beyond my wildest dream. I've just got to lay mine down first.

Gratitude.

If only I had some insight to share. If only I could impart some wisdom about what I've learned. But I tried to write something like that and then deleted it. I believe that what I'm trying to say is better conveyed in a song.

So here are the lyrics to the last part of the song Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman. This is what I'm striving for, to reach a place in my relationship with God where I can say that no matter what God, I'm going to be thankful, because truly God, with you, I am blessed.

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Friday.

Friday was not a good day. It was completely crazy. I'm not going to outline it all because you would probably think that I fret over nothing and the small things. And the truth is yes, I do. In third period I almost broke down but my friend promised me she'd buy me cookies during lunch. This is how pathetic I am. But basically in third and fourth periods on Friday I wanted to crack. I felt like everything was coming crashing down. And I became weary. The things I said and did, in no way reflected God. I was angry and frustrated.

But the whole time I was in freak-out mode, the holy spirit kept whispering in my head "Be still and know that I am God." I just kept ignoring it. My youth minister was talking about that verse the Wednesday before. But I don't think I really understood what that verse meant till Friday. I love the second part of the verse "I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted among the earth".

You see, I always thought that verse was about me. That the whole "be still" part was just God's way of saying that everything will work out in my favor if I just would sit still for awhile. But on Friday I realized how wrong my thinking was. God's plan is going to prevail, not ours. In the end, God's going to be exalted, not us. I'm on the drama team at my church and so many times when we get up there to preform I start to think about me, and my lines, and how I will look. That's when I start to get nervous, because I'm worried about me and my reputation. But God is the whole reason I'm up there, to glorify Him, not me.

So on Friday while I sat in Physics worried about my grades, and my reputation, and my life I lost God, and that's when everything came crashing down. When I forgot God. One day I was reading my counselor's blog and she was talking about how being overwhelmed is a choice. And on Friday I definitely chose to be overwhelmed.

I'm slowly learning how to lean on God and it's a daily struggle. To seek Him wholeheartedly and let everything else fall into place. I love to be in control and handing over the reigns to God has been an uphill battle. I'm just thankful for a God who doesn't give up on me, even when I give up on Him.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

Safe.

For me, lessons on patience are never lacking. I have the tendency to do things myself without any one's help and I try to accomplish things as fast as I can. And this summer when I felt God moving me to give up something I loved, and to trust in His plan I became uncertain. I wanted control of my life. I felt that I knew what was best for me. I had high school planned out. I thought uncertainty would come with college. I had a plan, and I planned to stick to it, but God thought different. I couldn't let go of it myself because frankly that made me feel like a quitter. And that was a stumbling block for me. I didn't want to give in or give up like I had seen so many people do. I had vowed to myself that I would never quit.

So many times I heard God's voice telling me to run, but I didn't see any need to. Finally, thanks to my mom, I began to see just how much I needed to let go. But that would require trusting God. For me, trusting God was easy to talk about, but actually doing it, was scary. This was a new thing for me. I'd never looked at an upcoming school year with a question mark, but that's how it appeared. My safety net was gone. I had defined myself for so many years as an athlete. But now, I wasn't even sure what I was. But the beauty of that moment was the fact that I couldn't define myself by any one thing anymore. I was finally and completely God's. And it took me awhile to realize that.

My Sunday school teacher had told us all year long that God requires us to first step out in faith and once and only once we step out do we receive the rewards and confirmations. My first confirmation came exactly two days after I called my coach and let her know that I wouldn't be playing basketball anymore. I finally knew then that God wasn't going to let me go. I was safe in His arms. Forever.

God always uses the most unlikely things to get our attention. For me, He needed to take away an activity. And at the time it seemed harsh and painful, but like all good parents He had my best interest in mind.

Back to the basics.

Whew. I'm still amazed its almost 2010. We're finally out of the "o something" years. And yes, those awesomely funny looking glasses we've been wearing since 2000 can no longer be done-truly sad. So as a New Year approaches and the talk of everything "new" and all resolutions are beginning to be made I was reminded of something new I was given. And reminded how I had been made new. Something I rarely have dwelled on.

It has been a battle, every day, and I have fallen short of God's glory immensely. And growing up I treated Jesus like I did my school work. Which, considering I went to a Christian school, wasn't hard. I thought everybody knew about Jesus. I just thought He was another subject you studied. It even took me till fourth grade to figure out that Kinkaid wasn't a Christian school. I just assumed every private school was. I knew everything I thought there was to know about Jesus.

The summer after sixth grade I was at Camp Tallowood(church camp) and I got my first glimpse of God and who He REALLY was. It blew my mind away. I never knew God wanted to have a relationship with me. I just thought I was supposed to sing songs about Him, not actually talk to Him and converse with Him. My world was turned upside down.

Honestly, daily I don't have that "blown away" feeling about God like I did at first. Lately I've been treaty Him just like I did when I was younger, like a chore. My relationship with God has become something I felt I needed to do, instead of something I wanted to do. It's been so long since I wanted God and wanted to draw closer to Him. At first I wanted to soak up everything I could about God, and now I've reached a point of pride where think I know everything. But I've recently been reminded that with God you can never know everything. I will still be learning new things till the day I die.

I'm trying to be simple with my relationship with God and go back to the beginning, where it all began. To be in awe of the cross, being renewed each day by His grace and mercy. To fully comprehend who I am and who He is. To treat God the way He deserves.

My prayer right now is that God would become my everything, like He used to be. God truly loves us. And that is something that will take me this lifetime and the next to fully comprehend.

being active.

Well, I've been inspired to blog. Maybe it'll be a temporary thing. Who knows how long this will last. I'm a story person and I could listen to stories till kingdom come. I also love to hear about people's life. Not about the on the surface kind of stuff people tell you when you ask how they're doing. But I love to hear about people's struggles and triumphs. And maybe there's someone else who shares this love. So if you do, enjoy.

I just finished reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I highly recommend it if you want to be challenged. It's full of lets just say "crazy" stuff(the good kind of crazy). But the one thing that stuck out in my mind was when Francis Chan started to talk about being lukewarm. He talked about the Laodicea church in Revelation and even gave some real life examples of what being lukewarm looks like. He then talked about how we must actively pursue Christ and he used two metaphors that have stuck out in my mind.

Following Christ is like swimming upstream in a river. Any time we stop actively pursuing Him, we fall back into the current and start going the opposite way.

Following Christ is like turning around and running up a downward escalator despite the looks and stares we get from other people.

So, here I am. Attempting to run up a downward escalator. God's not going anywhere and He's always been here. I'm the one that's iffy all the time. James 4:8 says "come near to God and he will come near to you".