Paths

I opened up the door and looked for a place to dump out the ice. The building seemed to be surrounded by flower beds, so I traveled down the stairs with the semi-large blue cooler. I reached the grass and proceeded to turn the cooler over to let the ice run out. I looked up and that's when it all clicked.

In front of me was a pond. It was a large pond, almost a mini-lake. To my right rested a cabin on the lake, while directly in front of me on the other side was an old, very small chapel. In the middle of the pond was a land bridge, so to speak. And on this land bridge were about seven to ten light posts, about waist high, each with a brightly lit lamp.

This represented my life and how the Lord was never going to leave me in the dark. He already has my path laid out, I just have to trust Him and walk in the way of the light. Right now, I'm standing at a crossroads. I've hit a fork in the road. And the Lord has not lit the next lamp, yet. But I have to trust that He will and that wherever He leads, I will follow.

Sunday

This past Sunday was an odd day in general, but in the good way. First off, it was Twood Player's first time to perform a scripture, which was a smidge nerveracking. Second, what happened in Sunday school caught me completely off guard. In fact, most of what happened Sunday morning I was not prepared for.

I've always loved the song Healing is In Your Hands by Christy Nockels. On Sunday, our worship band played that song in church. And I look to my right and see my amazing/wonderful youth minister with tears streaming down her face. At that point, I didn't know the entirety of her situation. I knew she was having medical issues with her heart, and I knew she was going to have heart surgury. I was just not aware that it was going to be this Friday, in San Diego. And that she was also leaving that Sunday night for San Diego. But I knew she was going through alot. And I could see that she was trusting the Lord with all she had. I could see it in her face and the way she sang. I want to have faith like her. Faith where I can stand and look at a huge obstacle and challenge and look at my God and know fully that He has everything under control. I strive to be able to trust God like that.

In Sunday school, we go to our separate departments as usual and our leader talked about asking the Lord for things. Mainly what we should ask God for and why we should ask Him for those things. It all came down to what glorified God, which I'm finding that God's glory is what almost everything in life comes down to if not everything. But then our teacher gives us each a nametag and asks us to write our name on it and what we want to ask the Lord for.

We then proceed to the gym and find that every other grade in our youth group doing the same thing and also that our parents are in the gym. We then as a grade circled up and each of parents prayed over us. It then basically went into a free for all type thing where anyone could pray for anyone. Keep in mind that our nametag with our request is on the back of our shirts so that as people come and pray over us they will A. know our names and B. know what to pray for us. Also this is all going on simultaneously. And let me tell you, it is an amazing thing to get prayed over, and to get prayed over over and over again for a period of about 10 minutes. It is an experience that I can not convey through words. The sound that echoed from the gym was heavenly, and it was one I will probably never forget. You could hear the soothing roar that arose from the hundreds of prayers being lifted up to the Lord simultaneously.

In all things we know that
we are more than conquerors
you keep us by your love
you keep us by your love

I was reminded tonight to simply seek God. I keep trying to figure out me and my plans. And I've been making pro-con lists and weighing every nook and cranny of every option. I'm a very impatient person, and am often a little compulsive when it comes to decision making. So I often result to choosing the first option that comes to my mind, whether it be the right one or not. I don't care; I made a decision and I didn't have to think hard about it.

Tonight I was blessed by the presence of my ever patient friend who sat and listened to me ramble about college and life and such. I keep trying to analyze life analytically. Everything has become black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. But I'm looking at things in the wrong way. And I need to go to God. I need to seek Him in everything. Back in August the seniors in my youth group decided that our goal for this year was to simply seek God; to seek Him first and to seek Him in everything.

I don't know where He will take me next year and what the Lord has planned for me. Uncertainty scares me. But I need to rest in the Lord, and who He is. He is greater than all my fears.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

It's 6:15 a.m. and the sound of my ringing alarm clock has already brought me back into reality. I sit and question my yesterday self, and wonder why I thought I would get myself up at 6:15 when I don't have to be at school till 8:45. Oh yeah, homework. I hit the off button telling myself that I just need a few more minutes. I'll wake up by 6:30, I promise. I open my eyes again to find that it is now 7. Ok we'll just forget homework for right now, I'll do it later. 45 minutes later I am still in my bed with one eye open trying not to fall back asleep. I finally pull myself out of bed and determine whether I have enough energy to try to look cute that day or not. After getting myself to look like a human, I run downstairs, pour myself a glass of orange juice and grab a bagel. It is now 8:23. I hop in the car, only to find myself wading through MMS traffic and kids on bicycles.

Life for me has become routine. I'm into that part of the year where I've got everything down to a schedule. My days are essentially the same. And I'm ok with that, I like to be comfortable. I know what everyday will look like, and what activities I have on every day. My weeks have even become routine, Monday:players, Tuesday: tutor, Wednesday: impact, etc. My life is predictable, which I'm fine with. I operate well under a schedule. But I've become so robotic about things that the Lord has slid to the side. There's not a paper on Him due tomorrow, or a test over the Bible Thursday so I haven't made Him a priority.

Time has gotten away from me. Monday has turned into Tuesday which turns into Friday which turns into Monday. I'm so focused on what is literally right in front of my that I haven't cared about the Lord. I haven't really talked with Him in a while. I'm going with the plan of trying to work Him into my schedule, as if mine was more important. But the reality is that I need to work my life around His. I so often get the wrong, and I treat the Lord just like I do my homework, something to be checked off a list.

I'm learning how to be humble, and to realize that I need the Lord everyday. I think my problem lately has been that I've been stuck in this OK phase. Nothing extremely bad has happened while nothing extremely good has either. So I buy into this lie that I don't need the Lord.

But our God is not a pocket God. We can't just pull Him out when we want Him to do something. He wants a daily and personal relationship with us. This is a lesson I need to understand, and to put into practice.

My life is not ordinary. I have been saved by undeserved grace. Christ has set me free. I so often forget this. I forget who my God is and without Him my life becomes routine.

I need to remember, I so badly need to remember.

"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after that." Deuteronomy 4:9

I tend to make non awkward situations awkward. But in my own way. And yes, I'm fully aware that the awkwardness is all my fault.

I think that the whole check out process at a store is very awkward in itself. The cashier just stands there as I fumble through my wallet to find where I last put my credit card. I never know what to do with my receipts. Thank you captain obvious for telling me how much I just paid. What am I supposed to do with this now? I guess if I was really concerned I would log all my purchases in some sort of fashion. But that would actually take effort, none of which I clearly posses.

I hate paying in cash. Not only do I rarely have any cash with me, but sometimes I have more than needed. And I feel bad paying for my 54 cent slushie at sonic with a 20 dollar bill. And then when the cashier gives the change back he or she puts the bills on bottom, the receipt on top of that, and then the coins on top of the receipt. Seriously. A. why are you giving me a receipt? I just payed in cash and B. I would really just like my change, together...in one place, preferable with the receipt on bottom.

Good thing I'm not in a hurry. I'll just hang out here while I get all the change back into my wallet and sort through the unorganized mess you just handed me.

Today my walls shattered just a little bit. Lately I've been trying to hide. I don't want people to really know me. To know that I am not secure with who I am and with the Lord. I want to be the strong senior, the one who has it all together. I want underclassmen to look up to me, to admire my faith. But my faith is nothing worth admiring. Lately it has been hanging on a string. And I've left it there. I've searched for myself in many places. I've doubted myself alot and started to play the "what if" game.

I'm hiding. Hiding behind smiles, and laughter, and walls. I don't want people to think I'm uncool (how lame does that sound?). I guess I have this thought in my head that since I'm a senior and a "leader" I have to have it all together. And it has driven a huge wall between me and the Lord. I have refused to go to the Lord because I'm afraid. Afraid that He'll see all the times I have failed this year. All the times I have been a crappy newspaper editor. All my insecurities, all my moments of pride and anger. I'm afraid He'll really see me. He'll see all the gunk in my life.

I also don't want other people to see that. I don't want people at church to see that I'm struggling. I don't want people at school to see I'm struggling with my faith. But the truth is, I've bought into one of Satan's lies and he has been able to reek havoc on my spiritual life.

Today I was humbled. And realized, in front of my whole english class, that I'm not secure in who I am. People for the first time got a glimpse of the real me. Not the confident Mary Helen I pretend to be, but the real me. And in a weird way it was freeing. I finally learned to just be me, because we're all not as cool as we present ourselves to be. We're all just as insecure as the person next to us.

I also was reminded that God chose me. And that I am His. God's love for me is ferocious. He is jealous for me. And He doesn't care how much I've messed up or how many times I've let Him down. He still wants to talk to me and be in a relationship with me. His love is so strong.

My counselor wrote a really sweet blog about insecurity through an experience she had lately. You should check it out, it's definitely worth your time.

http://lindsaymitchell.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/zip-line/

I would love to...

1. Get my thoughts straight in my head.

2. Somehow communicate those thoughts to those reading this.

3.Figure out what to do my Anglo-Saxon boast about for English.

4. Find some rollie pollies.

5. Figure out a title for my newspaper article.

6. Go to bed.

7. Be in B lunch.

8. Travel.

9. Finish my college essays.

10. Meet Lauren Graham, or the Duggers. Either one really.