As far as this whole college process goes, I'm extremely impatient. A few nights ago I'd had enough. I've always tried to go to the Lord with the right attitude, and I feel that to pray to God I had to have everything sorted out. But I've been so frustrated with the Lord lately that I just flat out stopped talking to Him. But a couple of days ago, I finally let it all out. I was angry at the Lord, frustrated, and just plain sick and tired of waiting around for Him and His timing.

It was just what I needed and it felt good. I finally got somewhere with God. Even though my prayer consisted mainly of me complaining and ranting to the Lord, it was honest and raw. I feel that we as Christians often hide our struggles. We hide behind masks and walls both in front of God and the people around us. But the reality is none of us ever have everything under control or are struggle free. And I feel that we as Christians should be more open about what we're really going through, especially with God. He already knew that I was angry and frustrated with Him before I ever told Him, but it was nice to finally voice my struggles. It was freeing to let the Lord come in the fort I had hid inside.

I once saw a bumper sticker on someone's car that said "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." I think we as Christians become so caught up in what other's think about us, that we start to believe that we should be free of sin. But being a follower of Christ is just the opposite. We are sinful creatures. Even though we are Christians, we still slip up. That's why Christ died. And we should embrace our struggles and praise the Lord for the undeserved grace that He gave us knowing that with Christ we have hope, even in the midst of a storm.

My #1 Advocate

Christmas is always a dual celebration at our house. Turns out my Mimi and Jesus have the same birthday. Who knew she was THAT old? But that's besides the point.

To tell you that my grandmother is selfless, caring, and joyful would do no good because I feel like those are words you can pin on almost anybody. My Mimi is not just anybody. She exemplifies 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I love getting a call from my grandmother, especially on days where I feel far from the Lord. She will listen on the other end as I tell her all that is going on. And before she hangs up she always says "Now Mary Helen, I just want you to know that you are being prayed for constantly, you don't ever forget that." And it's on those days, that I need that reminder the most.

My Mimi would do anything for just about anybody. She puts others needs before herself. She would drive half way around the world to get something for one of us if we asked. I know that if the whole world failed me, my Mimi would still have my back.

Lately I've realized the importance of who my Mimi has been to me. And I think it will take me a very long time to fully understand all she has done for me. She is an amazing blessing in my life daily, and one that I don't deserve. She loves on me, cares for me, and prays for me.

Besides Jesus, she's my #1 advocate.

For all purposes of probably jumping the gun, here are my college goals. Yes, I know I'm still not even a second semester senior. But, in the process of trying to pick a college I have found that to have peace about my decision, I have to get some things straight, which has gotten me thinking "what do I want to accomplish in the next four years of my life?". Here's what I've come up with:

1. To glorify God; Above everything else, I want this to be my driving force. I want to be driven by what will make God's name known, and not seek to better myself.
2. To seek God; I want the Lord to reign sovereign in my life. I want to reach a point where He is enough for me.
3. To lose myself; I want to become selfless. College can not be about me. I want to wake up in the morning concerned less about myself than about God and His Kingdom.
4. To be myself; I've always tried to be someone I'm not. I desire to be the women the Lord created me to be, and to use the talents God gave me to serve Him.
5. To find community; I want to find a church that serves the Lord and plug into it. And not necessarily a church as in a building, but a community. I want to be apart of something like the early church in Acts.

These are my goals. And as long as Jesus leads, I'll follow Him wherever, even if that means I'm not necessarily going to be comfortable.

Life behind a lense

I love to celebrate. I love having a reason to jump around and scream. This past Saturday, I was in the perfect place.

For our football team's playoff run, I have turned into a makeshift photographer for the newspaper as our photographers were busy elsewhere. Funny story is, I fell in love with photography, and was privileged with a front seat view to one of the most historic games in all of our schools history.

Taking photos at the football games has been a blessing. For the first time, I really saw my school. As a photographer, I had to be attentive to all that was going on around me. I had to be concerned with something other than myself, and I had to take myself out of the picture. The Lord showed me during these games, the people that I've spent the last three years with. He showed me their passion, their integrity, and their beauty.



Saturday's win was a surprise, but a good one. Standing on the field with about 7,000 people celebrating behind me in the stands as the clock winded down was an experience I will never forget. I felt like I was dropped in the middle of a movie like Remember the Titans or Facing the Giants. The front page of the Anvil is beautiful to say the least and has a nice, CAN'T TOUCH THIS, headline.

Senior year has sent me searching for my identity. But I'm thankful that the Lord has finally gripped my heart and grabbed my attention. I'm finally listening, and uncovering who I really am. Everything that I've fought for so long, I am now accepting, and accepting with gladness. I've been asking the Lord "where do you want me to go?". And I think He just might be calling me to say right where I am, in a sense. What does all this mean? I don't know, I'm just 18. I don't have all the answers. But thankfully, I know someone who does.

Paths

I opened up the door and looked for a place to dump out the ice. The building seemed to be surrounded by flower beds, so I traveled down the stairs with the semi-large blue cooler. I reached the grass and proceeded to turn the cooler over to let the ice run out. I looked up and that's when it all clicked.

In front of me was a pond. It was a large pond, almost a mini-lake. To my right rested a cabin on the lake, while directly in front of me on the other side was an old, very small chapel. In the middle of the pond was a land bridge, so to speak. And on this land bridge were about seven to ten light posts, about waist high, each with a brightly lit lamp.

This represented my life and how the Lord was never going to leave me in the dark. He already has my path laid out, I just have to trust Him and walk in the way of the light. Right now, I'm standing at a crossroads. I've hit a fork in the road. And the Lord has not lit the next lamp, yet. But I have to trust that He will and that wherever He leads, I will follow.

Sunday

This past Sunday was an odd day in general, but in the good way. First off, it was Twood Player's first time to perform a scripture, which was a smidge nerveracking. Second, what happened in Sunday school caught me completely off guard. In fact, most of what happened Sunday morning I was not prepared for.

I've always loved the song Healing is In Your Hands by Christy Nockels. On Sunday, our worship band played that song in church. And I look to my right and see my amazing/wonderful youth minister with tears streaming down her face. At that point, I didn't know the entirety of her situation. I knew she was having medical issues with her heart, and I knew she was going to have heart surgury. I was just not aware that it was going to be this Friday, in San Diego. And that she was also leaving that Sunday night for San Diego. But I knew she was going through alot. And I could see that she was trusting the Lord with all she had. I could see it in her face and the way she sang. I want to have faith like her. Faith where I can stand and look at a huge obstacle and challenge and look at my God and know fully that He has everything under control. I strive to be able to trust God like that.

In Sunday school, we go to our separate departments as usual and our leader talked about asking the Lord for things. Mainly what we should ask God for and why we should ask Him for those things. It all came down to what glorified God, which I'm finding that God's glory is what almost everything in life comes down to if not everything. But then our teacher gives us each a nametag and asks us to write our name on it and what we want to ask the Lord for.

We then proceed to the gym and find that every other grade in our youth group doing the same thing and also that our parents are in the gym. We then as a grade circled up and each of parents prayed over us. It then basically went into a free for all type thing where anyone could pray for anyone. Keep in mind that our nametag with our request is on the back of our shirts so that as people come and pray over us they will A. know our names and B. know what to pray for us. Also this is all going on simultaneously. And let me tell you, it is an amazing thing to get prayed over, and to get prayed over over and over again for a period of about 10 minutes. It is an experience that I can not convey through words. The sound that echoed from the gym was heavenly, and it was one I will probably never forget. You could hear the soothing roar that arose from the hundreds of prayers being lifted up to the Lord simultaneously.

In all things we know that
we are more than conquerors
you keep us by your love
you keep us by your love

I was reminded tonight to simply seek God. I keep trying to figure out me and my plans. And I've been making pro-con lists and weighing every nook and cranny of every option. I'm a very impatient person, and am often a little compulsive when it comes to decision making. So I often result to choosing the first option that comes to my mind, whether it be the right one or not. I don't care; I made a decision and I didn't have to think hard about it.

Tonight I was blessed by the presence of my ever patient friend who sat and listened to me ramble about college and life and such. I keep trying to analyze life analytically. Everything has become black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. But I'm looking at things in the wrong way. And I need to go to God. I need to seek Him in everything. Back in August the seniors in my youth group decided that our goal for this year was to simply seek God; to seek Him first and to seek Him in everything.

I don't know where He will take me next year and what the Lord has planned for me. Uncertainty scares me. But I need to rest in the Lord, and who He is. He is greater than all my fears.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34