As far as this whole college process goes, I'm extremely impatient. A few nights ago I'd had enough. I've always tried to go to the Lord with the right attitude, and I feel that to pray to God I had to have everything sorted out. But I've been so frustrated with the Lord lately that I just flat out stopped talking to Him. But a couple of days ago, I finally let it all out. I was angry at the Lord, frustrated, and just plain sick and tired of waiting around for Him and His timing.

It was just what I needed and it felt good. I finally got somewhere with God. Even though my prayer consisted mainly of me complaining and ranting to the Lord, it was honest and raw. I feel that we as Christians often hide our struggles. We hide behind masks and walls both in front of God and the people around us. But the reality is none of us ever have everything under control or are struggle free. And I feel that we as Christians should be more open about what we're really going through, especially with God. He already knew that I was angry and frustrated with Him before I ever told Him, but it was nice to finally voice my struggles. It was freeing to let the Lord come in the fort I had hid inside.

I once saw a bumper sticker on someone's car that said "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." I think we as Christians become so caught up in what other's think about us, that we start to believe that we should be free of sin. But being a follower of Christ is just the opposite. We are sinful creatures. Even though we are Christians, we still slip up. That's why Christ died. And we should embrace our struggles and praise the Lord for the undeserved grace that He gave us knowing that with Christ we have hope, even in the midst of a storm.

My #1 Advocate

Christmas is always a dual celebration at our house. Turns out my Mimi and Jesus have the same birthday. Who knew she was THAT old? But that's besides the point.

To tell you that my grandmother is selfless, caring, and joyful would do no good because I feel like those are words you can pin on almost anybody. My Mimi is not just anybody. She exemplifies 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I love getting a call from my grandmother, especially on days where I feel far from the Lord. She will listen on the other end as I tell her all that is going on. And before she hangs up she always says "Now Mary Helen, I just want you to know that you are being prayed for constantly, you don't ever forget that." And it's on those days, that I need that reminder the most.

My Mimi would do anything for just about anybody. She puts others needs before herself. She would drive half way around the world to get something for one of us if we asked. I know that if the whole world failed me, my Mimi would still have my back.

Lately I've realized the importance of who my Mimi has been to me. And I think it will take me a very long time to fully understand all she has done for me. She is an amazing blessing in my life daily, and one that I don't deserve. She loves on me, cares for me, and prays for me.

Besides Jesus, she's my #1 advocate.

For all purposes of probably jumping the gun, here are my college goals. Yes, I know I'm still not even a second semester senior. But, in the process of trying to pick a college I have found that to have peace about my decision, I have to get some things straight, which has gotten me thinking "what do I want to accomplish in the next four years of my life?". Here's what I've come up with:

1. To glorify God; Above everything else, I want this to be my driving force. I want to be driven by what will make God's name known, and not seek to better myself.
2. To seek God; I want the Lord to reign sovereign in my life. I want to reach a point where He is enough for me.
3. To lose myself; I want to become selfless. College can not be about me. I want to wake up in the morning concerned less about myself than about God and His Kingdom.
4. To be myself; I've always tried to be someone I'm not. I desire to be the women the Lord created me to be, and to use the talents God gave me to serve Him.
5. To find community; I want to find a church that serves the Lord and plug into it. And not necessarily a church as in a building, but a community. I want to be apart of something like the early church in Acts.

These are my goals. And as long as Jesus leads, I'll follow Him wherever, even if that means I'm not necessarily going to be comfortable.

Life behind a lense

I love to celebrate. I love having a reason to jump around and scream. This past Saturday, I was in the perfect place.

For our football team's playoff run, I have turned into a makeshift photographer for the newspaper as our photographers were busy elsewhere. Funny story is, I fell in love with photography, and was privileged with a front seat view to one of the most historic games in all of our schools history.

Taking photos at the football games has been a blessing. For the first time, I really saw my school. As a photographer, I had to be attentive to all that was going on around me. I had to be concerned with something other than myself, and I had to take myself out of the picture. The Lord showed me during these games, the people that I've spent the last three years with. He showed me their passion, their integrity, and their beauty.



Saturday's win was a surprise, but a good one. Standing on the field with about 7,000 people celebrating behind me in the stands as the clock winded down was an experience I will never forget. I felt like I was dropped in the middle of a movie like Remember the Titans or Facing the Giants. The front page of the Anvil is beautiful to say the least and has a nice, CAN'T TOUCH THIS, headline.

Senior year has sent me searching for my identity. But I'm thankful that the Lord has finally gripped my heart and grabbed my attention. I'm finally listening, and uncovering who I really am. Everything that I've fought for so long, I am now accepting, and accepting with gladness. I've been asking the Lord "where do you want me to go?". And I think He just might be calling me to say right where I am, in a sense. What does all this mean? I don't know, I'm just 18. I don't have all the answers. But thankfully, I know someone who does.

Paths

I opened up the door and looked for a place to dump out the ice. The building seemed to be surrounded by flower beds, so I traveled down the stairs with the semi-large blue cooler. I reached the grass and proceeded to turn the cooler over to let the ice run out. I looked up and that's when it all clicked.

In front of me was a pond. It was a large pond, almost a mini-lake. To my right rested a cabin on the lake, while directly in front of me on the other side was an old, very small chapel. In the middle of the pond was a land bridge, so to speak. And on this land bridge were about seven to ten light posts, about waist high, each with a brightly lit lamp.

This represented my life and how the Lord was never going to leave me in the dark. He already has my path laid out, I just have to trust Him and walk in the way of the light. Right now, I'm standing at a crossroads. I've hit a fork in the road. And the Lord has not lit the next lamp, yet. But I have to trust that He will and that wherever He leads, I will follow.

Sunday

This past Sunday was an odd day in general, but in the good way. First off, it was Twood Player's first time to perform a scripture, which was a smidge nerveracking. Second, what happened in Sunday school caught me completely off guard. In fact, most of what happened Sunday morning I was not prepared for.

I've always loved the song Healing is In Your Hands by Christy Nockels. On Sunday, our worship band played that song in church. And I look to my right and see my amazing/wonderful youth minister with tears streaming down her face. At that point, I didn't know the entirety of her situation. I knew she was having medical issues with her heart, and I knew she was going to have heart surgury. I was just not aware that it was going to be this Friday, in San Diego. And that she was also leaving that Sunday night for San Diego. But I knew she was going through alot. And I could see that she was trusting the Lord with all she had. I could see it in her face and the way she sang. I want to have faith like her. Faith where I can stand and look at a huge obstacle and challenge and look at my God and know fully that He has everything under control. I strive to be able to trust God like that.

In Sunday school, we go to our separate departments as usual and our leader talked about asking the Lord for things. Mainly what we should ask God for and why we should ask Him for those things. It all came down to what glorified God, which I'm finding that God's glory is what almost everything in life comes down to if not everything. But then our teacher gives us each a nametag and asks us to write our name on it and what we want to ask the Lord for.

We then proceed to the gym and find that every other grade in our youth group doing the same thing and also that our parents are in the gym. We then as a grade circled up and each of parents prayed over us. It then basically went into a free for all type thing where anyone could pray for anyone. Keep in mind that our nametag with our request is on the back of our shirts so that as people come and pray over us they will A. know our names and B. know what to pray for us. Also this is all going on simultaneously. And let me tell you, it is an amazing thing to get prayed over, and to get prayed over over and over again for a period of about 10 minutes. It is an experience that I can not convey through words. The sound that echoed from the gym was heavenly, and it was one I will probably never forget. You could hear the soothing roar that arose from the hundreds of prayers being lifted up to the Lord simultaneously.

In all things we know that
we are more than conquerors
you keep us by your love
you keep us by your love

I was reminded tonight to simply seek God. I keep trying to figure out me and my plans. And I've been making pro-con lists and weighing every nook and cranny of every option. I'm a very impatient person, and am often a little compulsive when it comes to decision making. So I often result to choosing the first option that comes to my mind, whether it be the right one or not. I don't care; I made a decision and I didn't have to think hard about it.

Tonight I was blessed by the presence of my ever patient friend who sat and listened to me ramble about college and life and such. I keep trying to analyze life analytically. Everything has become black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. But I'm looking at things in the wrong way. And I need to go to God. I need to seek Him in everything. Back in August the seniors in my youth group decided that our goal for this year was to simply seek God; to seek Him first and to seek Him in everything.

I don't know where He will take me next year and what the Lord has planned for me. Uncertainty scares me. But I need to rest in the Lord, and who He is. He is greater than all my fears.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

It's 6:15 a.m. and the sound of my ringing alarm clock has already brought me back into reality. I sit and question my yesterday self, and wonder why I thought I would get myself up at 6:15 when I don't have to be at school till 8:45. Oh yeah, homework. I hit the off button telling myself that I just need a few more minutes. I'll wake up by 6:30, I promise. I open my eyes again to find that it is now 7. Ok we'll just forget homework for right now, I'll do it later. 45 minutes later I am still in my bed with one eye open trying not to fall back asleep. I finally pull myself out of bed and determine whether I have enough energy to try to look cute that day or not. After getting myself to look like a human, I run downstairs, pour myself a glass of orange juice and grab a bagel. It is now 8:23. I hop in the car, only to find myself wading through MMS traffic and kids on bicycles.

Life for me has become routine. I'm into that part of the year where I've got everything down to a schedule. My days are essentially the same. And I'm ok with that, I like to be comfortable. I know what everyday will look like, and what activities I have on every day. My weeks have even become routine, Monday:players, Tuesday: tutor, Wednesday: impact, etc. My life is predictable, which I'm fine with. I operate well under a schedule. But I've become so robotic about things that the Lord has slid to the side. There's not a paper on Him due tomorrow, or a test over the Bible Thursday so I haven't made Him a priority.

Time has gotten away from me. Monday has turned into Tuesday which turns into Friday which turns into Monday. I'm so focused on what is literally right in front of my that I haven't cared about the Lord. I haven't really talked with Him in a while. I'm going with the plan of trying to work Him into my schedule, as if mine was more important. But the reality is that I need to work my life around His. I so often get the wrong, and I treat the Lord just like I do my homework, something to be checked off a list.

I'm learning how to be humble, and to realize that I need the Lord everyday. I think my problem lately has been that I've been stuck in this OK phase. Nothing extremely bad has happened while nothing extremely good has either. So I buy into this lie that I don't need the Lord.

But our God is not a pocket God. We can't just pull Him out when we want Him to do something. He wants a daily and personal relationship with us. This is a lesson I need to understand, and to put into practice.

My life is not ordinary. I have been saved by undeserved grace. Christ has set me free. I so often forget this. I forget who my God is and without Him my life becomes routine.

I need to remember, I so badly need to remember.

"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after that." Deuteronomy 4:9

I tend to make non awkward situations awkward. But in my own way. And yes, I'm fully aware that the awkwardness is all my fault.

I think that the whole check out process at a store is very awkward in itself. The cashier just stands there as I fumble through my wallet to find where I last put my credit card. I never know what to do with my receipts. Thank you captain obvious for telling me how much I just paid. What am I supposed to do with this now? I guess if I was really concerned I would log all my purchases in some sort of fashion. But that would actually take effort, none of which I clearly posses.

I hate paying in cash. Not only do I rarely have any cash with me, but sometimes I have more than needed. And I feel bad paying for my 54 cent slushie at sonic with a 20 dollar bill. And then when the cashier gives the change back he or she puts the bills on bottom, the receipt on top of that, and then the coins on top of the receipt. Seriously. A. why are you giving me a receipt? I just payed in cash and B. I would really just like my change, together...in one place, preferable with the receipt on bottom.

Good thing I'm not in a hurry. I'll just hang out here while I get all the change back into my wallet and sort through the unorganized mess you just handed me.

Today my walls shattered just a little bit. Lately I've been trying to hide. I don't want people to really know me. To know that I am not secure with who I am and with the Lord. I want to be the strong senior, the one who has it all together. I want underclassmen to look up to me, to admire my faith. But my faith is nothing worth admiring. Lately it has been hanging on a string. And I've left it there. I've searched for myself in many places. I've doubted myself alot and started to play the "what if" game.

I'm hiding. Hiding behind smiles, and laughter, and walls. I don't want people to think I'm uncool (how lame does that sound?). I guess I have this thought in my head that since I'm a senior and a "leader" I have to have it all together. And it has driven a huge wall between me and the Lord. I have refused to go to the Lord because I'm afraid. Afraid that He'll see all the times I have failed this year. All the times I have been a crappy newspaper editor. All my insecurities, all my moments of pride and anger. I'm afraid He'll really see me. He'll see all the gunk in my life.

I also don't want other people to see that. I don't want people at church to see that I'm struggling. I don't want people at school to see I'm struggling with my faith. But the truth is, I've bought into one of Satan's lies and he has been able to reek havoc on my spiritual life.

Today I was humbled. And realized, in front of my whole english class, that I'm not secure in who I am. People for the first time got a glimpse of the real me. Not the confident Mary Helen I pretend to be, but the real me. And in a weird way it was freeing. I finally learned to just be me, because we're all not as cool as we present ourselves to be. We're all just as insecure as the person next to us.

I also was reminded that God chose me. And that I am His. God's love for me is ferocious. He is jealous for me. And He doesn't care how much I've messed up or how many times I've let Him down. He still wants to talk to me and be in a relationship with me. His love is so strong.

My counselor wrote a really sweet blog about insecurity through an experience she had lately. You should check it out, it's definitely worth your time.

http://lindsaymitchell.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/zip-line/

I would love to...

1. Get my thoughts straight in my head.

2. Somehow communicate those thoughts to those reading this.

3.Figure out what to do my Anglo-Saxon boast about for English.

4. Find some rollie pollies.

5. Figure out a title for my newspaper article.

6. Go to bed.

7. Be in B lunch.

8. Travel.

9. Finish my college essays.

10. Meet Lauren Graham, or the Duggers. Either one really.

I'm really thankful for laughter, for refreshment, limited sleep, and sweet reminders.

This weekend was player's(church drama team) retreat. And although this year will probably not go as expected or anywhere near smooth, I'm still really excited for the new year.

Last year was my first time in players and words can not express the blessing it was on my life. Not to say that we were perfect or that everything was just peachy 24-7, but the Lord used players to teach me many lessons this past year. What I love most about players is that we can do an interp over and over again week after week and things will still hit me after months of preforming it. There were times this summer, especially on our mission trip to San Diego, where we would preform interps that we learned last fall, and I would still feel the Lord tugging on my heart.

When I was younger I used to watch players and marvel about being apart of them one day. I loved the way they conveyed the message of Christ through theater. But I never expected it to teach me more once I was on it, than we would teach to others.

I keep getting asked the question "how is senior year?" and my answer often is "not what I thought." I remember this summer begging the Lord to grow me this year, to push me, to make me seek Him, but I never expected senior year to go like this.

Senior year is THE year. You're supposed to be confident and cool. Everything is supposed to fall into place. But, this year all my worst fears have been confirmed. Time after time I have felt abandoned, insecure, unsure, and like an idiot. I feel like I've been handed an unfair lot with nothing going my way. Frustration has characterized most of my days as I constantly ask of the Lord "why?". I'm scared of losing my friends. I hate that I get frustrated.

I don't like being driven to my knees. I don't like having to rely on someone else. Lately, God has whispered in my ear to be patient and to understand that He has something in store. These are lessons I need to learn. I'm no fan of hard lessons. And I have spent a lot of time running from the Lord lately, and not wanting to surrender to His plan. But I've gone so many other places that have left me lacking and empty.

It's raining hard, and I can't see the other side of the lake. I need refuge. I so badly need refuge.

I am...

I think I'm going about this all the wrong way. Lately, I've been looking for myself in all the wrong places. My English teacher keeps talking about how we need to show colleges who we are in our essays. This has brought me to much searching. I've been trying to compile who I am. I've tried looking for my passion. I've defined myself in so many ways lately that just don't seem to fit. I've started to look around at other people and who they are, and what their passions are.

Bad move. I once heard someone say that comparison is the thief of joy. And they are totally right.

Once I started to look around and see people around me and how much passion and fulfilment they seemed to have in whatever they did, I became jealous. They could define their life. They had something. And I began to question myself. I tried to identify myself with something of the world, some activity that I could do. I so badly wanted to have a passion like my friends had.
I became frustrated with God. I felt left out. Everyone else had something that I didn't.

People always say that Jesus needs to be enough, and that He is enough. This is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. I say that because I have yet to even begin to understand the concept of Him being enough. I run in so many other directions looking for fulfilment.

I think my problem was thinking that I am who I am because of me. I was looking for my heart somewhere in the world, yet didn't realize that it was already with the Lord.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

Empty handed.

A friend of mine gave me a CD by Tenth Avenue North for my birthday. All the songs are pretty sweet, but there's one that has caught my attention lately called "Lift Us Up to Fall". At one point in the song it says "we come empty hands held out". And that has really struck a chord in me this week.

I'm slowly realizing that God does not need me, but that I really really need Him. I am a wretched and depraved sinner desperately in need of salvation.

My pastor said something on Sunday that I thought was really cool. He said that our lives do not make sense without Christ, that we were made for Him. He also said that in Christ, we have everything we need. I thought that was a pretty awesome thought to rest in. God's got us covered.

The Lord has brought over and over to my mind, that life is just not about me. I wake up each morning wanting to focus on my activities for the day, and my agenda. And then I become worried, because then I have to figure out a way to make all those things happen. It has struck me so hard that I can't bring anything more to the Lord than my heart. God is way more concerned with my attitude than with what I'm doing. And that so contradicts what the world tells us.

God's been constantly asking me these past few days "where's your heart?". He has brought to my attention Matthew 6:21 which says "for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." And most days my treasure and my heart are in the wrong place.

Recently, I have been remodeling my room. And in the process I have gone through just about everything in my room, and throwing out stuff I don't need anymore. A couple of days ago, I got around to my trophies and medals. As I looked over them, I realized that they were nothing more than a piece of metal or a piece of wood. They were covered in mounds of dust and I hadn't even looked up on the top of my desk where they were stored in years. I ended up keeping a few. But as I took the throw away pile downstairs to the trash I kept thinking to myself "is this all I have to show for my life?", and "this is really pitiful."

I don't want a bunch of metal and paper to be all I have to show the Lord at the end of my life. I know He wants my heart. Like the song says, we come empty handed to the cross. And I think that is so amazing because that takes so much of the burden off.

Christ sets us free. He's got everything under control. He's all we need.

And all the brothers and sisters said AAAAmen.

The Anvil

"We are always on the forge, or on the anvil; by trials God is shaping us for higher things." -Henry Ward Beecher


I logged on to twitter to find that quote sitting on my home page. I then preceded to look up the definition for anvil.


Anvil (noun): a heavy iron block with a smooth face, frequently of steel, on which metals, usually heated until soft, are hammered into desired shapes.


I don't know if you know a lot about me or none at all. But for starters, I am the assistant editor of my high school newspaper this year. And this past week was my first week back at school. Our newspaper is having mounds of problems. I feel like it is holding on by a string. It has been the source of many, many frustrations this week. The things I'm dealing with in there are problems I didn't even know could exist. I feel like everything that could go wrong, has. I don't even know if our first issue is even going to come out.


Our newspaper is called The Anvil. I don't know about you, but I'm taking this quote very literally at the moment.


This morning my Sunday school teacher told me that maybe all this is happening for some reason and to trust in God's plan. I've been wanting to believe that this week. I so badly wanted that to be my attitude and my response. But it hasn't.


I don't think God could have spoken to me any more clearer. Anvils shape things. God is trying to shape me right now, but lately I've been stubborn. I love the end of that quote. God is shaping us for higher things. I'm a huge sucker for metaphors so I'm kind of bouncing off the walls at this moment. If this is cheesy to you, I'm sorry, but it's freaking me out. I'm blown away by God. He has crafted my life and the things I participate in down to perfection. I love the hope God offers us in trials and how He tells us to rejoice in them.


"Not only so, be we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5


"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7


I've been feeling hurt a lot this week because of many things. I've felt abandoned. I've spent most of this week questioning God asking what exactly ARE you doing? I was listening to the radio one day and the song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson came on and I fell in love with it. The lyrics describe perfectly what God has been saying to me all week. Here is the chorus:


Would you dare, would you dare to believe

that you still have a reason to sing

cause the pain that you've been feeling

can't compare to the joy that's commin



so hold on, you got to wait for the light

just press on, and fight the good fight

because the pain that you've been feeling

is just the dark before the morning.



It's a pretty sweet song, and it was just what I needed to hear. I needed to quit throwing myself a pity party and trust God and His plan. I needed to snap out of my selfish thinking and look around. I needed to trust and hope in God again. Sometimes I wonder why God even continues to take me back. Why He even stands there with His arms open wide telling me He doesn't care where I've been or what I've done. But I'm so thankful for my God and the hope He so graciously gave me so that even in trials I have a reason to rejoice.

Seniors 2011:)

So here I am. The beginning of my senior year. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. I found myself this summer in a similar situation. It was no cliff, but a tree to be exact. I was standing on a small three by three wooden board on the top of a very tall but sturdy tree. I was doing the superman at my camp as they call it. The counselor assisting me up there was making sure all my ropes and harnesses were secured as I awkwardly made small talk. Seeing that I was nervous he asked to pray over me. I knew in those moments as he prayed that if I didn't run and jump off as soon as he said go I would never do it. After he finished praying he gave me a moment to collect myself and then said one, two, THREE. I closed my eyes and somehow jumped off.

Maybe that's what I have to do tomorrow. Just close my eyes, trust God, and do it.

Parents.

It used to really frustrate me how my parents always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. They wait up for me when I go out, and they always want me to text them when I move from point A to point B. But something about them tonight struck a chord in me.

As I got home from babysitting, my mom was up waiting for me. But as I made the small 15 second walk from my car to the back door I realized something. My mom was watching for me. She knew when my car drove up in the front of our house. She normally greets me at the back door asks me a few questions, and if it is really late usually just lets me mosey up to my room. But usually she'll want to know the who, what , when, etc.

It was in those moments that I got a glimpse of my heavenly father. How He waits up for us, when we've gone out to do our own things. He's always home. He's watching out for us, and wants to know what's going on in our lives. He wants to hear us tell Him where we've been.

As I was walking to the back door I never felt more secure. I knew nothing was going to happen to me. My mom was looking out for me just like The Lord watches out for us. In Him we find our security, and our protection.

I never knew that my parents never could sleep untill I came home from events and such. Likewise God's not going to fall asleep on us. God stands vigil over us. He's not going anywhere.

School starts Monday. I might post more later about that. But in short I've been scared of losing God when school happens. I'm afraid I might chase other things besides Him. But seeing my parents tonight and how faithful they are to me brought to my mind the truth that God is faithful. Such a simple concept, but it's a pretty sweet one to hold onto.

Marge goes to camp(and San Diego)

This post is long overdue. I promised Margaret a post about camp a long time ago. But you remember margaret right? Plays the french horn, likes to cook, etc...

Well she went to Camp Tallowood for the first time last summer(after much, much prodding). And here was her response on the last day.

Well she came back again this year.

Hah.

And she was pumped. Haha.

I then had the amazing privilege to spend 11 strait days with her in San Diego. I learned there that she is actually a combination of a four year old and a very old wise person, and that she is a great friend.

One night we ate dinner at Smash Burgers and I accidentally ordered a salad with blue cheese. And when I received it, it not only had blue cheese, but was covered in it. Margaret, seeing that I was essentially not eating my salad, offered to trade(even though she too did not have an incling toward the stuff). So I got to eat her blue cheese free salad, while she picked through my infested one. It seems now as I'm writing this not a big deal, she switched salad's with me, so what? But at that moment, I couldn't have been more grateful. In that small act she sacrificed something of hers for me. I saw that true friendship is not about me, and what I can get out of it, but what I can give to others.

I'm just going to take a moment and brag about Marge. She's probably going to kill me for this. She has a great attitude, one that I strive to have. In those eleven days in San Diego, where we were never more than six feet from each other, I learned that she has a great heart for the Lord. On the trip we wrote letters to each other and swapped them every other day. Through those letters we grew as friends. We were able to tell each other things through writing that we normally wouldn't say out loud. We got to the gist of things. It was our friendship at its core. I don't deserve her friendship, but I'm so thankful for it. She probably has way cooler people to hang out with than me.

She even let me put her hair in pigtails. So here is the proof she actually is a four year old prodigy.

In the past 24 hours a good majority of my sentences have started with I want or I think. This is not good. I've spent so much time being frustrated and pointing fingers at other people that I haven't looked at my own life. What am I doing? But most importantly am I doing this for God or for me? The Lord has struck me with that question.

hmm..well..uhh...

yeah that's what I thought. At one point this summer I began to break before the Lord, more like crack because I've recently realized that I'm no where near done with that process. God still has more things that I've got to deal with. I don't like it. It was neat for a while, but now it's just not something I want to deal with. I'm done being vulnerable.

I pray that He will help me have the same attitude of the psalmist in psalms 139:23-24.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

I think the title of this blog has never rung truer in my life than right now. My world is slowly shattering in a hard but good way. The Lord has caught my heart. This summer He has grabbed me, shaken me, and asked "what are you doing?". And that question has finally started sinking in.

The Lord's been saying "Wake up. Look at me. At my plan. Not the world's. What have you been buying into? What is the world selling to you? A nice life? Good retirement? What are you working for? Is it for me or for yourself?"

Jesus changes everything. His life, the salvation we have in Him changes everything. All our thoughts, all our actions.

So much is in my head. And I've been doing a lot of talking this summer. A lot of writing. Now it's time for some doing.

I could sit here and make promises till the end of the earth. I could swear that I'm not going to mess up. I'm not going to bye into satan's lies. I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to.

But I'm human. And I'm slowly realizing my depravity and my need for Christ. Sometimes I consider Christ a nice addition to my life, that He is not really essential. But that couldn't be more far from the truth. We are wretched. And there is nothing more in life that we need than Christ.

I tell you this because I'm excited. In Philippians 2 Paul writes "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

I've been in a state of trembling all day. Because I'm scared. I want to head down the path that leads to Christ. I want to glorify His name. I want to seek God. But school is starting. And I need help. I need Christ. I don't want this year to be about me, and my plans, and my grades, and my status. I want to spend less time this year worrying about me and more about the Lord.

I'm afraid. Afraid of becoming a hypocrite. Of people reading this and seeing no change in my life and therefore ignoring all that I have just said. That's what scares me. But I know that God is working in me just like it says in Philippians.

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:14b

A little bit of everything.

Disclaimer: This post is very random and may not make sense.

I've reached a point where the Lord is asking me the question of whether or not I really trust Him. I have my life planned out in my head (or at least the next year). To me everything seems to fit perfectly. The puzzle pieces are all lined up. My plans for this year, my plans for next summer, college(sorta). I was thinking tonight what if the Lord shattered my plans. My mom always told me not to play what if, but the though really struck me. God knows what's going to happen in my life. His plan is perfect, but do I really believe that? Especially if His plans don't line up with mine. It always scares me to think that things won't work out the way I want them to, but when that happens I find myself in the shelter of the Most High which I've found is a pretty sweet place to be.

I read a really cool quote the other day about scripture that said "I picked up a Bible. I waited for that nice rush that comes from holding a worn, loved copy of the Scriptures. Bibles like that have their own heat. They've been prayed over, cried on, sung with, stroked and gripped and loved so hard they just emote-just by being touched-that human loam and steam and hope that faith gives off." Beth Moore wrote in response to this "Think how thankful you are that God wrote something you can hold to your chest, rock back and forth, when your heart is shattered and your sight too blurred to read." In this bible study I'm in we've been studying a book alongside the scripture. And today we were talking about the book Radical (which by the way is a fabulous book) and we were getting somewhere. But once we pulled out our bibles and started to pick apart this one passage the whole atmosphere changed. It really struck me in that moment how powerful God's word is. Our pastor once said "a person's Bible that is falling apart, life usually isn't".

The passage we looked at today was from John 13. It was when Jesus washed his disciples feet. My youth minister had us imagine that scene, the emotion, and the feelings of the disciples. I saw the love of Christ and how Christ was the ultimate picture of humility. He was willing to serve them, to sit and wash their feet. And then he said in verses 14-15 "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one an other's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done." Christ gives us a cool challenge here. I've been thinking lately about friendship and how it's not about what you get out of it but what you give. I want to follow Christ's example here and love others like He did. I want to serve my friends, my family, and other believers.

So I never know how to end these blog posts. I feel like I should wrap up everything into a nice neat little bow or do a curtsy. I feel the need to say something like "I'm struggling with this, but don't worry I've got it under control" even when I don't. I haven't got much figured out.

(Insert well-written ending here).

I have learned today...

that cookie dough really does make everything better.

to never ever let someone follow you home, even if they have a good reason to.

that you need an account at Blockbuster to rent a movie.

to look both ways before making a left turn.

that parking spots that look empty usually have a motorcycle in them.

that Hot Pockets really are hot, and usually the plate is too.

to always, always stop at a red light, or a yellow light that is about to turn red.

I feel today has been quite a success.

Where to start?

According to the clock on my computer it is 11:05. According to my body, it is 9:05. Now normally that fact would bring me to many other places, and most primarily my bed. But tonight it has brought me here. I should probably write about San Diego, right?

But where do I start? The plane ride? Our first concert? The first day of mission work? I've found lately that word's have not done this trip justice. That every time I try to compile my thoughts they somehow slip out of my head before I can get them down. I try to talk about it and everything becomes cheesy and cliché, but it was the farthest from that. On Sunday we sang at Lake Avenue Church. The pastor there made an interesting point in his sermon when he said that it has been determined that communication is 90% body language (or 80% or something like that, I paid attention I promise).

I've been thinking a lot about what a writer is, and what its role is in society (trying to figure out college and majors has done this to me). How does a writer paint a picture? How do they convey what they want to say? I think the best picture we can paint is our lives. Writing is great. But I can sit here and ramble on forever about The Lord and who He is in my life but until you see me live that out, everything I write is baseless. Words are nothing without action.

This is a huge challenge to me. I would like to say hold me to what I have just written, but I know I'm going to mess up. I so badly want the Lord to be everything to me all day, everyday, but He's not. There's days where I want to run far from The Lord. But I'm thankful at this moment that The Lord isn't finished with me yet.

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

San Diego.

I leave for San Diego tomorrow morning and I'm pumped to say the least.

I'm on a drama team at my church. And Monday night we gathered together for our last rehearsal before leaving for San Diego. We, as a team, were broken and divided. And here our team was, four days from our big mission trip, shattered and hanging on by a string. The reasons for this are unimportant, as we all contributed to the state we were in.

But I was glad our director made us sit down, and figure it all out. I'm glad we learned to forgive. And I'm glad we were able to let the Lord build us back up together, as a team.

These guys mean a lot to mean, and I wasn't ready for Satan to tear us down. We had worked too hard to fall apart now.

But what shocked me the most about those moments was not that the Lord pulled us back together but the realization of who Satan is. He wants to destroy us, bad. John 10:10 says that Satan wants to "steal, kill and destroy". There is a battle going on. And Satan is eventually going to lose. We all know that, even he knows that. And he wants as many people destroyed as possible.

Our director pointed out that he realized that the Lord must be planning some big things in San Diego if Satan is going to try to destroy us like this. And I'm excited.

We will be in San Diego for 11 days. I ask for prayer as we go out not only for Tallowood Players but also for our youth group as a whole. Pray that our hearts would be in the right place and that the Lord would use us.

If you want to see a little bit of what players is check this out. It's from one of our rehearsals so it's a little rough...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=435983206153&subj=706976986

Being content.

There are some days where I'm really frustrated with who I am. I'm frustrated that I'm where I am. I'm frustrated I'm still in high school. I'm frustrated that I'm only 18. I'm frustrated that I'm not where I want to be with the Lord. Frustrated that I have to wait for the Lord to reveal His plans to me. Frustrated that I mess up.

I feel so unworthy. I don't even know why I write this blog. I don't want it to be about me, but somehow I always make it that way. I want to impress people. I want people to think I'm wise, etc.

I care so much about other people's opinion. I struggle with this a whole whole lot.

The Lord has been teaching me the past couple days to be content with who I am and where I am. God's plain is perfect, and I shouldn't question it. I still have one more year of high school for a reason. I'm 18 for a reason. I'm who I am for a reason. I struggle for a reason.

I'm thrilled to be a senior, but I'm also scared. I'm excited to see where the Lord is going to lead me and what He is going to teach me, but I'm also afraid of losing Him along the way.

I can't wait to go back to my school. This is my last year there. That's crazy. I pray that the Lord would work in me this year.

So now you know a little bit more about who writes this blog. An insecure, messed up, struggling, high school senior. The Lord has a lot of work to do in me. And for once, I think I'm ok with that.

The Best Laid Plans.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

I only suited up for two varsity games. The final season game against Alief Taylor and the first round playoff game against Katy Taylor. We lost both. We weren't very good.

I was supposed to play on varsity.

I walked in freshman year full of myself, my abilities, and my dreams. Being put on JV as a freshman only furthered those notions.

I was supposed to have a letterman jacket.

It was a rough two years on JV. But I finally got the varsity uniform handed to me one tuesday afternoon.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

It was the end of the season so naturally they started to move people up. It was a good sign. Varsity would be mine the next year. Finally.

I was supposed to prove them wrong.

I never stepped foot on the court during those two varsity games. My name was never put on the roster. I never had my picture hanging in the gym.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

I loved basketball. It was what I knew. It was familiar. I was comfortable.

Run.

I'm supposed to be on varsity. I'm not going to give up. That's not for me. I don't give up.

Run.

This has been my one goal for high school. I set out to be on varsity. I'm not letting go.

My plan is perfect.

No. Just...no.

I'm here, and I'm waiting.

This is who I am. I'm not going to give it up.

Let me in.

Welcome home.

I wasn't supposed to quit.

This is where the healing begins.

How easily do I define myself through circumstances. How easily do I let insecurity creep back in. How easily do I become prideful. How easily do I let so many things fill me besides The Lord. How easily do I turn away.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.

Lists are amazing. But most of all, checking things off the list is a truly a glorious feeling. Lately, I've made myself a summer to do list from big things like college aps all the way down to writing my friends at camp a letter.

A friend and I are doing the Beth Moore bible study on Esther together this summer. And it's, to say the least, challenging. It's a slower walk through Esther's story than I would have originally liked. But, the more I study the scripture in small bites like this, the more I can savor everything.

Last night I jumped back into the bible study after two weeks at camp, and The Lord really taught me something. It was a lot to swallow. But it was good. And so I set aside time this morning before going to work to do today's bible study.

This morning I did it, but my heart was not in it. I knew life with Christ was going to be a daily battle. I knew there would be mornings coming where I wouldn't want the Lord. I've said that to myself over and over again. But we all know saying and doing are two different things.

I don't blog because I have it all together. I feel I need to get that out there. And I haven't figured much out. My youth minister once told us that she doesn't have all the answers but knows the One who does. And that's where I stand today.

So I ask for prayer. I'm at a place where I want to go farther with the Lord, but I'm having a hard time accomplishing that. I want to run. Run from the things the Lord is teaching me. Run away from train wreck that I am.

And thank you for reading my blog.

Found in You.

There is so much to say. And my head is spinning. (Not literally) but you get the point. I'll start by saying that The Lord is moving me and moving in me. And I'm so thankful for that. It's going to take a while for me to process these past few weeks.

But in the past 14 days or so I cried. And I laughed. And I danced. And jumped. And wept. And broke.

Well, it was a rainy weeks at the Shores. It poured everyday except Sunday and Monday. And I was probably the only one who enjoyed that. I had never been at Pine Cove when it rained before. In fact, it has never been anything but blue skies and sunshine as far as I can remember. But I experienced a new side of Pine Cove this week, and from that a new side of the Lord.

If you've never been to the Shores, it's gorgeous to say the least. I'll try to post a picture sometime so you can get what I'm talking about. Basically the whole camp is on a hill or incline per say and at the bottom is Lake Palestine. And normally on a clear non-raining day you can sit on the shore and see the other side of the lake. It's far away but you can see that there are houses and civilization on the other side. Essentially, you can see the other side.

But when a storm hits all you see is what looks like a mist. And the other side of the lake disappears. You can't see the other side.

I know I'm walking into a whirlwind. I know life with Christ is a struggle and a fight. Paul writes in 1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of faith". I know there is a storm waiting for me. And it's going to mess up plans. And at points I'm not going to be able to see God's plan or the other side of it.

But I have a refuge. And I need refuge. Just like we took shelter at PC from the rain so The Lord needs to be my refuge.

I'm learning so much. I'm wrestling and searching and digging. And I'm loving it. But I'm also scared because I'm finding things that I don't want to deal with right now. The Lord is breaking down walls I've hid behind for years and I'm afraid to be vulnerable. I'm afraid that I won't look like I have it all together, cause I don't. I'm a mess. But I've learned that being a mess does not keep us from Christ or from having faith in Him.

I'm thankful that I encountered The Lord and that I'm not the same person I was two weeks ago. I want to continue to grow. And I want more of Christ.

Wherever You Lead.

I am so extremely excited about the next two weeks. Excited to see the Lord move. Excited to see old friends. Excited to get away for a while. But I'm also afraid. Afraid of missing what the Lord has in store for me. Afraid that I'll take my time for granted. Afraid of it ending. I've heard that fear is the flip side of excitement, or something along those lines so maybe that has something to do with it.

I don't know what the next two weeks will bring, but I've learned from past experiences that God's plan is perfect and that He is in control. I am thrilled to go back to the place where I got baptized. Back to the place where the Lord brought me to my knees for the first time. Back to the place where I first experienced true community. Back to the place where the Lord proved to me that He is faithful.

I ask for prayer for not only me but all the students and sponsors going to Camp Tallowood, for the staff at Camp Eagle, and for those going to Pine Cove and the staff there as well. I don't know much going into these weeks but I know that we serve a mighty God, and that His plan is far greater than we can ever imagine.

The one with the letter

My birthday is on Friday. And my brother's is the week after. I should not be 18, and he should most definitely not be 20. Today we(my parents and I) received a letter from him at camp. It brought me to tears, and made me realize that he IS going to be 20 and that I have never been more proud to be his sister. I saw how wise he is and how much he loves the Lord. I started to picture him tired and exhausted from a day at work, pen in hand, attempting to convey all that God is doing at Pine Cove. I could hear the joy in his words as he described the friends he's strived with and see the journey God is leading him on. There was a softness in him that made me want to hop in my car, drive up to Tyler, and sit at his side and lean on him. There was also a part of me that wanted to take him away from this place, to make him come home. I miss him, alot. But I know full well he is in the Lord's will there. And I am so thankful for Pine Cove and their ministry.

My brother is awesome. Be jealous. :)

A little injustice and a lot of information.

I have for years tried to describe Margaret Winchell. Most of the time people don't get her, and end up questioning my friendship with her. And that's ok. Let's just see if I can do her some justice this time.
I met Margaret in 7th grade. A game of water hockey on a scotch guarded tablecloth and a little bit of fate brought us together. We soon moved on to 8th grade where we seemed to compete for a very important spot at a table-the head. And usually I got creepy glances if she beat me to it. Thus our friendship started. And thus middle school ended.
Now, you're probably wondering why there are so many pictures of Margaret Winchell with a muskmelon? (and what IS a muskmelon for crying out loud?). Well if you must know, well, just see for yourself.

See what I mean? Anyway, back to me and Marge.

I soon learned that pictures were not her favorite. And that to straiten her hair, there was going to have to be a lot of coaxing, and running. Also, she sports some pretty sweet PJs. She also plays the French horn, and spends most of her free time on facebook. She goes to a preforming arts school and is the editor-in-cheif of the newspaper there. She rarely goes to bed before midnight. Although there was once a time when she refused to turn on her phone, she can now be never caught without it. She drives a burb with a pretty sweet bumper sticker. I have been in a continuous poke war with her since summer 07. She wrote me a letter at camp last summer complete with sticky notes, a Venn Diagram, and Christian pick up lines. Spotting her at the contemporary service is a rare novelty and usually saved for when players preform. She is WAY too busy and loves every minute of it. She took AP Bio, AP Physics, and French IV online all in the same year. She does school work for fun in the summer. We have had a good ten post conversation on facebook all ending in -ski. She loves, Glee, 24, and Gilmore Girls.
So there you have it. You have now been introduced to the most interesting person I know. Stay tuned. Next up? Marge goes to camp. I'll leave you in suspense...

Life

I feel like a kid stuck inside on a rainy day. I'm cooped up and I have a lot of energy. I also feel like everyone else can go out and play in the rain, and I'm inside. I want to join in with everybody else, I want to run, I want to scream, I want to dance, I want to yell "GOODBYE JUNIOR YEAR", I want to have a victory dance, I want to breathe, and I want to burn all my school work.

But none the less, I have finals. I'm a complainer and have definitely done my share of complaining this week while watching friend after friend throw in the towel and say hello to summer. But I feel the Lord working in me through this frustrating time.

I have run out of every ounce of energy in my body. I am drained. Getting up each morning and just being at school is a daunting task. I am frustrated and impatient.

On the way home from impact tonight the song "I Will Worship While I'm Waiting" came on. It stopped me dead on. The idea, to worship while you're waiting, stuck in my head.

About 30 min before at Impact the speaker was talking about drugs and alcohol. But at one point he talked about the idea of living your life sold out for Christ. Completely, and wholly being a servant of Christ. He read out of Romans 1 which says

"Take your everyday, ordinary life-your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking around life-and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. "

I've been riding on the fence with my relationship with God for a while. I've put him aside to chase after, well, my school work. If any of you know me, you know I'm a perfectionist and I also get stressed really easily. Best quality? Probably not. The Lord has brought it to my attention time and time again that He has not been first, and that my school work has taken a place in my life that is reserved for Him. It has honestly consumed me this year.

And that fact brings me to where I am now. So close to being done with school. Seems like my problem is basically over, and that with summer coming I can focus on God since school is out of the way. I've contemplated the idea, but then I think that school will start again, and it will end again, and then start again. And then after school is out, I'll start working. I feel that there will always be something that competes with my relationship with Christ. And so, this problem will not go away.

I don't have all the answers and I want to run from God. I feel ashamed that I fret about such silly stuff. But God keeps calling me back. His voice has been very quiet this year, mostly because I've been trying to silence it. But I can't. I can't ignore God. He's standing there with arms wide open ready to embrace me.

I don't think I have the strength to go to God. I think He's going to have to carry me across the finish line this time. But that's ok, I know God wants me however I am, all bruised and stained with my sin.

I will worship while I'm waiting and while I'm complaining, and while I'm stuck inside . I will run the race even while I wait. I will move ahead in confidence, taking every step in obedience.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:3-8

Spring Break

Around 33 hours of my spring break was spent in the car. My family and I embarked on the stereotypical "college road-trip" and crossed a total of 7 states in our trusty old suburban. My feelings toward this trip was anything but excitement. Looking at colleges was just not the way I wanted to spend my spring break. And long car rides in general are just not my thing.

But thus I went, and I found two schools I liked and ended up enjoying myself along the way. I even began to enjoy the long car rides. I got to clear my head, and get away from my normal day-to-day routine.

One of the schools I visited was Union University in Jackson, TN. And at the end of the tour they gave me two books. One of them was about the tornado that hit their campus two years ago and destroyed a good bit of it. The marvel of that event was that nobody was killed.

So on our last stretch from Oxford, MS to good ol' H-Town I began to read the book. It was called God in the Whirlwind. Each chapter was a different account of a student or faculty member's experience of the tornado. So many students escaped death by mere inches and seconds. And it was an eye opening experience to read.

I was reminded of who God was. Not of how marvelous He was for sparing the lives of the students and faculty at Union (but He IS to be praised for that) but of how God strengthens those who trust in Him at their weakest moments.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm a complainer. And I've been throwing myself a pity-party for a while now. I've been acting like a six year old in my relationship with God. I'm frustrated God won't give me what I want. And I'm mad He won't make things easier for me.

And through the stories of the Union students who saw God work His best when they were at their weakest I was reminded of how God uses every situation for good.

Faith and trust in God has been something I've been lacking lately. Maybe that's why I'm just not to thrilled about this whole college process. Because for the first time my future is uncertain. And I have no certainty as to where I will be attending college. NONE. I have ideas, but nothing is decided. I was hoping I would walk on a college campus and just know that this is where I'm supposed to be. But I realized this past week that I am going to have to trust God. And that He will reveal His plans in His time, not mine.

I want to be in control of my future. I don't like uncertainty. But I know God, and I know He has plans for me beyond my wildest dream. I've just got to lay mine down first.

Gratitude.

If only I had some insight to share. If only I could impart some wisdom about what I've learned. But I tried to write something like that and then deleted it. I believe that what I'm trying to say is better conveyed in a song.

So here are the lyrics to the last part of the song Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman. This is what I'm striving for, to reach a place in my relationship with God where I can say that no matter what God, I'm going to be thankful, because truly God, with you, I am blessed.

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Friday.

Friday was not a good day. It was completely crazy. I'm not going to outline it all because you would probably think that I fret over nothing and the small things. And the truth is yes, I do. In third period I almost broke down but my friend promised me she'd buy me cookies during lunch. This is how pathetic I am. But basically in third and fourth periods on Friday I wanted to crack. I felt like everything was coming crashing down. And I became weary. The things I said and did, in no way reflected God. I was angry and frustrated.

But the whole time I was in freak-out mode, the holy spirit kept whispering in my head "Be still and know that I am God." I just kept ignoring it. My youth minister was talking about that verse the Wednesday before. But I don't think I really understood what that verse meant till Friday. I love the second part of the verse "I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted among the earth".

You see, I always thought that verse was about me. That the whole "be still" part was just God's way of saying that everything will work out in my favor if I just would sit still for awhile. But on Friday I realized how wrong my thinking was. God's plan is going to prevail, not ours. In the end, God's going to be exalted, not us. I'm on the drama team at my church and so many times when we get up there to preform I start to think about me, and my lines, and how I will look. That's when I start to get nervous, because I'm worried about me and my reputation. But God is the whole reason I'm up there, to glorify Him, not me.

So on Friday while I sat in Physics worried about my grades, and my reputation, and my life I lost God, and that's when everything came crashing down. When I forgot God. One day I was reading my counselor's blog and she was talking about how being overwhelmed is a choice. And on Friday I definitely chose to be overwhelmed.

I'm slowly learning how to lean on God and it's a daily struggle. To seek Him wholeheartedly and let everything else fall into place. I love to be in control and handing over the reigns to God has been an uphill battle. I'm just thankful for a God who doesn't give up on me, even when I give up on Him.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11